You want butt in seats, right? And you want to do that without having to spend 400+ million for a superstar, right?

The answer is Kyle Schwarber. He’s become a top star in the game with his clutch SchwarBOMBS. Fans will come to the park just to see him.

But let’s think long term here as well. To my knowledge, only one player ever has hit their 500th career home run as a Cardinal. And he has his own porch in left. Schwarber needs to average 35 homers for five more years to reach 500. He’s averaged 43 for the last four, so this doesn’t seem improbable.

So, you sign him, he gets to 500 as a Cardinal, and guess what? He’s a lefty. His bombs will be going into the upper decks in right field, just as Big Mac’s did in left. SO you create a porch just for him in right.

My suggestion: call it Schwarber’s Shore, have it be beach themed, including a pool and maybe a sushi food vendor or something. Do you feel it outside right now? You’ll print money for access to this pool.

18 comments

  2. A cardinals team with Contreras and Schwarber would be a beautiful thing every time they play the cubs

  6. He doesn’t fit our team at all but fuck it. I’d welcome the Schwarbombs and it would be fun as fuck

  8. Signing a 33 year old to a long and expensive contract in the early stage of a rebuild – with a 2027 work stoppage looming – is an awful idea.

    Bloom is likely aiming for 2028 as a true return to competing; Schwarber would be 35 then.

  10. Or just try to develop Gorman into Schwarber so we don’t wind up non tendering him like the cubs did schwarber before he hit his stride

  11. Baseball aside, water on a second level above other people seems like a not great idea

  13. Overpaying for a free agent that doesn’t fit an innovative long-term strategy? This is something Mozeliak would do. Fortunately, he can be one of the first astronauts to Mars.

    The Brewers stole the Cardinal way with pitching-defense and timely hitting. Time to steal it back!

    Long term, we are trying to win ballgames, not score fantasy points.

  15. I like this. My only note is that I question if you could put an actual pool up there. Those decks will move a pretty good amount just with people in them. Water is *heavy*. I assume making that deck flat wouldn’t be trivial, either.

  16. As an STL transplant from Chicago and a lifelong Cubs fan, I approve this message.

    When he was on the Cubs he was a fan favorite, especially in 2016, until they demolished that entire roster. Bring him here — the city does well when the Cardinals do well!

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