OAKLAND– This game was inevitable once Natalie Nakase saw her mentor Joe Mazzulla and his Boston Celtics coaching staff completely dismantle the Massachusetts media in a surprise pick-up basketball game.

There was something about the way Mazzulla and his staff pressed the life out of the Celtics beat reporters as they ran up the score 57-4 that really spoke to Nakase. It was all she could talk about on the few occasions I, and other members of the Bay Area media, ran into her during the WNBA offseason.

Nothing but palpable giddiness from Nakase in those moments as she seemed to savor the opportunity to get her lick back at some of the annoying post-game questions she had to field from us in her first season as a head coach.

“Oh, it’s happening,” Nakase would tell us. “Lace em’ up!”

And the final score, 107-23 in favor of Nakase and her Golden State Valkyries coaching staff, was equally as inevitable as we media members proved why we watch basketball for a living instead of playing it for a living. It was a track meet, as a reporter would describe it.

Did I score? Nope. Went 0-for-4. Missed my one free throw attempt. But I secured four rebounds, two of which came on the offensive boards, along with two steals and an assist, which I think is pretty good for a 5′-5″ point guard.

Did I look cool while doing it? I think so. At least until I subbed myself out near the end of the first quarter and went to puke in a garbage can. And I certainly didn’t look cool while I was mumbling, “I feel like I’m dying,” to myself whenever I was on the bench.

Did I have fun? Yes. Definitely. I know the 84-point loss looks pretty bad, but we kind of held our own (in relative terms). We scored more than the Boston media and the Denver Nuggets media. That’s our victory. Plus, how often do you get to play a professional sports team’s coaching staff? The Valkyries had the phrase “First of a Lifetime” in their inaugural season. So for us media members who participated in this game, we said to ourselves it was a “once-in-a-lifetime” experience.

Meet Natalie Nakase’s staff

We knew we were in trouble as soon as Nakase told us this game was happening.  Nakase’s staff is packed with talent and not just from a coaching aspect.

To start, they have Sugar Rodgers, who just so happened to play eight seasons in the W and shot 34.6% from three over the course of her career, with an All-Star selection to her name. Did I also mention she’s a WNBA champion? Then you got the 6′-7″ Kasib Powell, the NBA D-League MVP in 2008, who kicked it in the league for a good couple of years there. Throw in Landon Tatum, who played college basketball and has shoulders bigger than my head and muscles to follow, and we really had no chance of keeping up with Nakase and her staff.

And those were just the big names. The video coordinators Daisy Feder, Boki Wang, and Kenny Wolfe also participated, and to put it lightly, they’re far better than the average hooper. Something you have to realize is that all of these coaches, even though they are past their prime, are fit. They work out because they have to keep up with the players to an extent.

Us media members? We have back issues, poor posture, and carpal tunnel syndrome from typing on our laptops all day.

How the Valkyries’ coaching staff destroyed us

But even given that distinct physical shape difference, and knowing the gap between them and us hoops-wise, it was still a little shocking to realize the gulf between regular humans and people in the professional basketball world.

They moved at a speed we were not capable of dreaming of. Whether it was diving at our dribbling hand or intercepting our lollipop passes or simply running a fastbreak, it was quite literally dizzying to try to keep up with them. I mean, I literally puked my guts up after five minutes on the court.

Then there were the fundamentals that you don’t really think of when you watch the WNBA or the NBA. When they’re draining triple after triple or picking your pocket without breaking a sweat, you realize how much you aren’t capable of. I’m an okay basketball player. I played high school. I can dribble, and I can kind of shoot. I’ve been told I’m like an Asian Jose Alvarado. And when you play against your buddies, you think you’re not all that bad.

But then you watch Powell palm the ball above your head. Then you try to break their 2-2-1 press.  And then you hear Sugar Rodgers ask Bay Area News Group reporter Nathan Canilao if he’s tired. And once those add up, you realize– you can’t really dribble. You can’t really shoot. You suck, at least in the grand scheme of basketball.

The Brian Scalabrine “I’m closer to LeBron than you are to me,” never felt more true for me than after this game. And these were the coaches going 60% speed.

The takeaways from the beatdown

My takeaways from our side were that Color Analyst Morgan Ragan and Radio Play-by-Play Commentator Kevin Danna are ballers. Ragan was the only one capable of consistently breaking Nakase’s cruel 2-2-1 press. And Danna splashed two triples in their face. And our oldest member, 60-year-old Kiki of Kiki’s Universe, wound back the clock and hit a floater in the paint, so age is an illusion of the mind.

I also thought our de facto coach, Eric Apricot of Valkyries Nation, did a good job with the rotations and keeping everyone involved. Except when he tossed me back out there to run point once I started feeling my heartbeat in my brain. And the SF Standard’s Jane Kenny and Danny Emerman were equally solid.

Bay Area News Group’s Joseph Dycus, on the other hand, has to learn not to die on his backcuts. Looked like DJ Moore going over the middle at times there. But I did fumble a nice dime from him, I’ll give him that.

But as a whole, my big and obvious takeaway is the gulf between regular Joes and the pros. And what it takes to bridge that gulf. There was a beauty in experiencing the culmination of the gifts these people have spent their lives perfecting. You know you’re taken away by the sound of an ungodly musician live? Getting my shot swatted by Tatum kind of felt like that.

And that’s probably part of Nakase’s reason for organizing this pickup game.

After the buzzer sounded, she huddled us up with her staff and gave us a classic post-game speech. I’m paraphrasing here, but her message was essentially, “This is a taste of the intensity of basketball at the highest level. I hope it helps you understand why I make the coaching decisions that I make. And that it takes a lot of work to be in shape to play this game.”

Message received.

Did it help that Nakase kept yelling, “Don’t leave yet, you got post-game media availability still!” as soon as the game ended? Yes and no, I can read between the lines of what she meant there. I could barely form a sentence post-game.

But now I’ll at least flashback to when I was starfished on the floor by the sidelines before I rip into a player for looking tired.

OAKLAND– This game was inevitable once Natalie Nakase saw her mentor Joe Mazzulla and his Boston Celtics coaching staff completely dismantle the Massachusetts media in a surprise pick-up basketball game. There was something about the way Mazzulla and his staff pressed the life out of the Celtics beat reporters as they ran up the score 57-4 that really spoke to Nakase.