Note: these are done every year by Drew Magary and are meant to be (for the most part) fun and goofy. Do not take personal offense. Also, be sure to read the ones about the other NFC North teams. They’re very enjoyable.
Now *that* is how you roast a team.
Also, this underrated, probably prophetic, line: “With the No. 18 pick, they took Jack Campbell, the kind of LB who ends up as general manager just because fans like him a lot.”
Hell yeah
Honestly, it’s good to get some cold water to keep us grounded
[deleted]
“I’m relieved that Matt Millen survived his health scare a couple years ago so that I don’t have to forgive him yet.”
The best roasts are always the fan self-owns. If you’re on this sub, props to ya, Daniel. (Wait, could it be …?)
This dude’s roast of the Packers was amazing. I’m too emotionally immature and get too defensive to read this, but enjoy the other NFC North ones so much
As someone who loves being a hater, I love all these articles.
These are all pretty good. Nasally Michigan accents are pretty bad, so that’s accurate. Dollar store Bill Cowher is pretty dam funny. And ford field nachos do suck
I love these, and I’ve loved these every single year. But you can also tell when Drew is writing for the sake of being funny vs. when Drew is writing from the heart.
In past years, his roasts were from the heart. This year, it’s him trying to be funny (and succeeding – I had a few good laughs).
That’s a good sign.
Was hoping we’d get a ZODIAC rant in all caps at the bottom. Is that guy still around?
You can bet your ass cheek and 7 of your toes that we’re hanging a symbolic banner over last year 😤
Because the Packers suck, their MODS removed their “Why Your Team Sucks” article because they’re too sensitive and have no sense of humor.
In the style of Drew Magary, FTP with an Ayahuasca soaked cheesehead
The letters were fantastic. If anybody here weighed in: kudos to you.
That said, I feel like most of his entries this year have been pretty lackluster, at least in comparison to years past. He seems like he’s trying to be mean instead of trying to roast. Thankfully, there have been some absolutely DIVINE letters from the readers. The Packers one had me doubled over laughing.
” **These people are eating up the hype like it’s their favorite hamburger casserole.”**
I felt that.
This hurts, why am I still smirking though?
Boo!
Honestly, he was not as harsh on the Lions as he was on many other teams.
>Dollar Store Bill Cowher
LMAO
Makes me miss Zodiac Motherfucker 😢
Here’s my 2016 submission:
Matt:
I waited on Jon Kitna. When Kitna’s brother wanted the bill, Kitna looked me square in the eye and said “This is Jon Kitna’s. This is not open for discussion.”
Eric:
In December of 2008 I waited on former Lions QB Dan Orlovsky at the Macaroni Grill in Livonia, MI. That was the year the Lions went 0 and 16, and about a month and a half after Orlovsky unwittingly ran out of the back of his own end zone for a safety in a game they lost by 2 points. I didn’t recognize him when he sat down, but he had a cast on his arm so I asked him how he got hurt. He told me he hurt it playing football, so I asked him who he played football for. After a long pause he mumbled under his breath, “The Detroit Lions.” a fact he clearly did not want to admit. I responded “Oh yeah, you’re Dan Orlovsky.” Then I turned to the other guy sitting at the table, a large but not massive individual, and asked him if he played too. He said yes, and asked me to guess who he was. I didn’t recognize him at all, but I had to guess, so I said Domenic Raiola. He responded, “Ha, I wish I was Domenic Raiola.” (The first time in history anyone has ever uttered those words). Turns out it was the long snapper Don Muhlbach.
I remember they prayed for a really long time when they got their food, clearly unaware that God had abandoned them following their 4 and 0 preseason.
Also, the guy who runs the bowling alley where the Lions have their Halloween party every year said that after Tatum Bell stole newly signed RB Rudi Johnson’s luggage, Roy Williams dressed up as a Tatum Bell Hop for the party. No fucking way that was his idea. It would take an hour just to explain that joke to Roy Williams, much less the irony of his no-tipping ass dressing as a bell hop.
Every year I look forward to reading all of these ‘Your Team Sucks’ articles. Lions are always fun and like someone above said, we do need to cool down and have some cold water thrown at us. Still, 12-5 and our first playoff win
Funny (and mostly fair)
Dollar store Bill Cowher 🤣
Fantastic. Hurts but we deserve it and need the knock down. We haven’t done shit. Yet.
“Upon learning that Matt Millen needed a heart transplant, my dad removed himself from the organ donor list. ”
– You can never say Lions fans aren’t just fucking brutal with the humor.
Wtf is a Michigan accent?
I like Drew a lot, and i know the bit here, but “lions have been bad therefor always will be bad” is just such a lazy insult.
Also, just a nitpick, in a ton of these this year he talks about “blowing” a 10 point lead like it’s 28-3
“Fuck the entire Ford family with a South American Rubber Plantation” is a fuckin good historical roast. The whole thing was just incredible.
29 comments
Note: these are done every year by Drew Magary and are meant to be (for the most part) fun and goofy. Do not take personal offense. Also, be sure to read the ones about the other NFC North teams. They’re very enjoyable.
Now *that* is how you roast a team.
Also, this underrated, probably prophetic, line: “With the No. 18 pick, they took Jack Campbell, the kind of LB who ends up as general manager just because fans like him a lot.”
Hell yeah
Honestly, it’s good to get some cold water to keep us grounded
[deleted]
“I’m relieved that Matt Millen survived his health scare a couple years ago so that I don’t have to forgive him yet.”
The best roasts are always the fan self-owns. If you’re on this sub, props to ya, Daniel. (Wait, could it be …?)
This dude’s roast of the Packers was amazing. I’m too emotionally immature and get too defensive to read this, but enjoy the other NFC North ones so much
As someone who loves being a hater, I love all these articles.
These are all pretty good. Nasally Michigan accents are pretty bad, so that’s accurate. Dollar store Bill Cowher is pretty dam funny. And ford field nachos do suck
I love these, and I’ve loved these every single year. But you can also tell when Drew is writing for the sake of being funny vs. when Drew is writing from the heart.
In past years, his roasts were from the heart. This year, it’s him trying to be funny (and succeeding – I had a few good laughs).
That’s a good sign.
Was hoping we’d get a ZODIAC rant in all caps at the bottom. Is that guy still around?
You can bet your ass cheek and 7 of your toes that we’re hanging a symbolic banner over last year 😤
Hey guys non-login version here:
[http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:https://defector.com/why-your-team-sucks-2023-detroit-lions](http://webcache.googleusercontent.com/search?q=cache:https://defector.com/why-your-team-sucks-2023-detroit-lions)
Because the Packers suck, their MODS removed their “Why Your Team Sucks” article because they’re too sensitive and have no sense of humor.
In the style of Drew Magary, FTP with an Ayahuasca soaked cheesehead
The letters were fantastic. If anybody here weighed in: kudos to you.
That said, I feel like most of his entries this year have been pretty lackluster, at least in comparison to years past. He seems like he’s trying to be mean instead of trying to roast. Thankfully, there have been some absolutely DIVINE letters from the readers. The Packers one had me doubled over laughing.
” **These people are eating up the hype like it’s their favorite hamburger casserole.”**
I felt that.
This hurts, why am I still smirking though?
Boo!
Honestly, he was not as harsh on the Lions as he was on many other teams.
>Dollar Store Bill Cowher
LMAO
Makes me miss Zodiac Motherfucker 😢
Here’s my 2016 submission:
Matt:
I waited on Jon Kitna. When Kitna’s brother wanted the bill, Kitna looked me square in the eye and said “This is Jon Kitna’s. This is not open for discussion.”
Eric:
In December of 2008 I waited on former Lions QB Dan Orlovsky at the Macaroni Grill in Livonia, MI. That was the year the Lions went 0 and 16, and about a month and a half after Orlovsky unwittingly ran out of the back of his own end zone for a safety in a game they lost by 2 points. I didn’t recognize him when he sat down, but he had a cast on his arm so I asked him how he got hurt. He told me he hurt it playing football, so I asked him who he played football for. After a long pause he mumbled under his breath, “The Detroit Lions.” a fact he clearly did not want to admit. I responded “Oh yeah, you’re Dan Orlovsky.” Then I turned to the other guy sitting at the table, a large but not massive individual, and asked him if he played too. He said yes, and asked me to guess who he was. I didn’t recognize him at all, but I had to guess, so I said Domenic Raiola. He responded, “Ha, I wish I was Domenic Raiola.” (The first time in history anyone has ever uttered those words). Turns out it was the long snapper Don Muhlbach.
I remember they prayed for a really long time when they got their food, clearly unaware that God had abandoned them following their 4 and 0 preseason.
Also, the guy who runs the bowling alley where the Lions have their Halloween party every year said that after Tatum Bell stole newly signed RB Rudi Johnson’s luggage, Roy Williams dressed up as a Tatum Bell Hop for the party. No fucking way that was his idea. It would take an hour just to explain that joke to Roy Williams, much less the irony of his no-tipping ass dressing as a bell hop.
Every year I look forward to reading all of these ‘Your Team Sucks’ articles. Lions are always fun and like someone above said, we do need to cool down and have some cold water thrown at us. Still, 12-5 and our first playoff win
Funny (and mostly fair)
Dollar store Bill Cowher 🤣
Fantastic. Hurts but we deserve it and need the knock down. We haven’t done shit. Yet.
“Upon learning that Matt Millen needed a heart transplant, my dad removed himself from the organ donor list. ”
– You can never say Lions fans aren’t just fucking brutal with the humor.
Wtf is a Michigan accent?
I like Drew a lot, and i know the bit here, but “lions have been bad therefor always will be bad” is just such a lazy insult.
Also, just a nitpick, in a ton of these this year he talks about “blowing” a 10 point lead like it’s 28-3
“Fuck the entire Ford family with a South American Rubber Plantation” is a fuckin good historical roast. The whole thing was just incredible.