Image courtesy of Ken Blaze-USA TODAY Sports
This season started like any other for the godless Chicago White Sox: a 4-16 start, general apathy, poor attendance, and our country’s prison system and adult video superstores overrun with fans of the squalid franchise. But two major developments have left many wondering just how godless this horrible team and the clammy perverts that support it are.
First, as has been widely reported, the first American Pope was outed as a White Sox fan. Given that the Catholic Church makes a point of ministering to the wretches and the impoverished of the world, it makes a ton of sense.
“When Jesus cured the lepers, modern religious scholars say it symbolizes a White Sox fan getting the breathalyzer removed from his Toyota Celica,” said Miles Ruffin, OSB, who teaches a course on Eschatology at St. John’s University in Collegeville, MN. “Pope Leo, no doubt, understands this.”
Second, despite being a stank-ass 14-29 as of this writing, that’s twice as many victories as their doomed counterparts in Denver, with the Colorado Rockies setting a new standard for buffoonery every game. This has left many baseball fans and writers questioning their priors. Are the White Sox still godless? Are their lowlife fans still damned to the furthest corners of the hell they’ve meticulously crafted?
It’s complicated, according to two fans of other notorious losers and scoundrels that Twins Daily spoke with.
“I’ve seen a lot of bad local sports in my time,” said Jon Marthaler, soccer correspondent for the Minnesota Star-Tribune and someone who went to Gophers football games in the Metrodome of his own free will. “To see the White Sox surpass the futility of the Butch Huskey-era Twins is one thing; to see the Rockies play like they learned the rules five minutes ago is another.
“I would without question say the White Sox are still monsters, and their fanbase a cruel reminder of man’s inhumanity to man, but the Rockies… my goodness.”
Chrissie Bonnes, wife of Twins Daily founder John Bonnes and Philadelphia native, recalled “The Process” years of her beloved Philadelphia 76ers.
“Those teams tanked with intention,” said Bonnes. “From what I’ve seen, the White Sox are actually trying, which is worse. And now another team can’t even clear that miraculously low bar? Much like every child born to two White Sox fans, it’s criminal.”
Even people of faith find themselves at a crossroads.
“Those with even a passing familiarity with the Bible know that faith is often tested,” said Ruffin. “But to observe such a bleak obscenity as Chicago White Sox baseball, and to realize there are depths below even that? Even after hours of prayer and contemplation, I struggle to understand how a loving God can allow this kind of misery.”