“I appreciate all the hard work you’ve done to be worth the three low-level prospects I will trade you for in December.” (Photo by Stephen Maturen/Getty.) Getty Images
First pitch: 7:10 Central
Weather: National Weather Service somewhat still gutted, 50% chance of sky waterOpponent’s SB site: Covering The CornerTV: Twins TV. Radio: Today, we escape, we escape
Plane Guy Pablo López will be facing off against Cleveland’s Parker Messick, who was just promoted to MLB in August, so no stats for youuuuu. Is there anything particularly interesting about Messick? Not until he gets charged with illegally dealing in cocaine squirrels. Which are like regular squirrels, except their fur is entirely made of cocaine. Whenever you see what looks like an albino squirrel, it’s a cocaine squirrel. Since this blog is family friendly, I’ll advise against inhaling one.
I am, just a bit, pretty burnt-out on everything (writing, all of existence), and so I decided to try this Chat GPT thing that everybody’s talking about (since it’s so great, and A.I. is not a massive drain on electricity and cooling water and everything else). I for one welcome our new robot overlords.
So, Chat GPT, what can you give me for “preview of Minnesota Twins against Cleveland Guardians”?
The Minnesota Twins are set to face off against the Cleveland Guardians in what promises to be an exciting matchup. Here’s a preview of what to expect from this series:
Minnesota Twins (AL Central Leaders)
Record: As of now, the Twins have been holding steady atop the AL Central, thanks in large part to their solid pitching staff and offensive consistency. They’ve got some pop in the lineup, and their pitching rotation has been strong throughout the season.Key Players:Carlos Correa: The former World Series champion continues to lead the offense with his clutch hitting and leadership in the field. He’s crucial in driving the Twins’ offense and could play a key role in this series.Byron Buxton: When healthy, Buxton is one of the most dynamic players in baseball. His speed and power make him a potential game-changer every time he steps on the field.Sonny Gray: The veteran starter has been stellar for the Twins and could be a key factor if he takes the mound during this series. His ability to limit hard contact has been a big part of Minnesota’s success.Strengths: The Twins have one of the best pitching staffs in the league, particularly their bullpen, which can close out tight games. Their lineup has power, but it’s the pitching that has carried them throughout the season.Weaknesses: At times, their offense can be streaky. If they’re not hitting consistently, they could struggle to put up runs against Cleveland’s pitchers. The Twins will need to stay disciplined at the plate.
There’s more along these lines. You get the gist.
In a way, I’m almost offended. The machine doesn’t care about baseball writing! Sonny Gray hasn’t been a Twins pitcher since 2023! Clearly, the wizards training A.I. to replace every office worker on Earth doesn’t think baseball writing is important enough to steal. They’ll steal from Sarah Silverman, but not us baseball writers? Granted, Silverman is funnier than most baseball writers (this link is NSFW), but still, I’m insulted.
I did like this disclaimer at the end of the A.I. preview: “ChatGPT can make mistakes. Check important info.”
And this sentence shows that the bot has learned the basics of sports broadcasting: “Both teams have players who can rise to the occasion in late-inning situations” … “This series could come down to who can execute in pressure moments.”
That’s good enough to be on TV or radio, right there. Don’t get sentimental, it always end up drivel.
Speaking of stealing from writers, I’ll take a break from my usual stealing Neil deMause, and instead swipe some links from Craig Calcaterra. First off, the Twins have cut their five-person pro scouting staff down to one. Although some other teams are doing this, too, like the Cubs.
Next, a fellow named Tony Forbes has put together a site explaining baseball’s byzantine rules to newcomers, called Baseball by the Rules. Have you even tried explaining the game to someone who doesn’t know it? It can be frustrating for both parties. I had a job at a group home where one of the residents was a huge baseball fan, and we had a new co-worker from Somalia who was very bright and very eager to learn more about the residents. So, one night, when things were slow, we tried explaining it to her. And you’d be surprised how complex that can be! Like, strike three means you’re out… but not if it’s fouled off. But it is if it’s a foul tip and the catcher catches it. But if the catcher drops strike three, you can try running to first — but not if you fouled it into the dirt and then the ball got away.
And so on. The co-worker eventually gave up, saying “soccer is much easier to understand.” Um, sure… until you have to explain to a non-soccer fan how “offsides” works, and what kind of foul results in a yellow card or red card or free kick or penalty kick… all sports have crazy rules, when you come down to it. (That co-worker did enjoy the Abbott & Costello “Who’s on First” routine, though. Some things cross almost every cultural barrier.)
So good luck to Mr. Forbes, and hopefully his site will be helpful to people.
Finally, in Millburn, NJ, the Paper Mill Playhouse is going to be staging Bull Durham: The Musical. Hopefully with less awkward bathtub sex scenes than the 1988 movie. Before snickering at the idea of theatrical art coming from New Jersey, be aware that the theater was founded in 1934 and over the years has featured performers like Cab Calloway, Jane Fonda, Lillian Gish, Anthony Perkins, Bernadette Peters, William Shatner, Betty White, and Gene Wilder.
Although, honestly? If you’re gonna make a musical based on a famous baseball story? (One that doesn’t have Ray Walston as the Devil, that is.) I’d almost go with Major League, instead. But, an advantage of this one is that the film’s original screenwriter, Ron Shelton, did the adaptation himself. So, if you’re gonna be in Jersey and have $50 to drop on somebody singing “We need a live rooster to uncurse the glove / plus gift suggestions for our teammate in love,” you know what to do!
