Mike Twilly was born in Hamtramck, Michigan, a suburb of Detroit. His family moved to the Minneapolis suburbs in 1987, when the then-9-year-old saw his beloved Tigers fall to the Minnesota Twins in a historic ALCS upset. His friends have never let him forget it.
“Every time John Smoltz broadcasts a game, my buddy Anders will shoot me a text and ask if that was the Hall of Famer the Tigers traded so Doyle Alexander could get lit up by Gary Gaetti,” said Twilly. “I hate it. I hate it so much.”
Now, with the Tigers in the middle of a record-setting freefall that might eliminate them from the playoffs entirely, you’d expect that Twilly would be racing to mute his notifications.
“Nobody’s saying anything. It’s eerie. I’m already on a knife’s edge about this team, maybe they’ve matured beyond this kind of thing?”
His friends say that isn’t the case at all.
“When I saw that Detroit lost to Cleveland again on Wednesday, I was just about to send Mikey a GIF of (The Simpsons’) Nelson Muntz laughing and pointing,” said Matthew Zahn, one of Twilly’s high school friends. “But then I thought about the Twins. I put my phone down. I walked outside, sat on my front step, and just stared at the setting autumn sun. I welcomed the dark.”
“I should be roasting his ass right now, not gonna lie,” said Gregg Cavan, the best man from Twilly’s first wedding. “Can you believe how Detroit is [EXPLETIVE] the bed? It should be so easy to make fun of him and his historically collapsing team. And yet, I suffer alone. I’m the one in pain. I bought a full Twins season ticket package this year. My wife says I cry in my sleep now. My sleep is dreamless. Hope is a lie.”
At press time, Detroit had lost eight in a row, 11 of 12, and 20 of 27. They led the AL Central by 14 games on July 8. They are not only in danger of losing the division, but are a mere game clear of Houston for the final Wild Card spot.
“It’s frankly alarming that none of my friends are reminding me of this constantly,” said Twilly. “There should be clips from ESPN about how historic this is clogging up the inbox. But it’s quiet.”
“I have two sons,” said Anders Hoffman, Twilly’s college roommate. “Their favorite Twins were Jhoan Duran and Carlos Correa. My work was able to get us on-the-field passes for the first home game in August. They were so excited. They were going to see their heroes up close. When we got there, the only one working out was Pierson Ohl. I thought he was an intern. My boys said I was the worst Dad ever. They were right to do it.
“So yeah, I haven’t texted Mikey about the fraudulent, loser Tigers. I don’t deserve joy.”
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