If there is one tradition Derek Falvey truly embraces, it is waiting until the absolute last possible moment. Roster decisions, offseason direction, and now Christmas shopping all follow the same internal clock. With Christmas lights already boxed back up at Target Field, the Twins front office is once again sprinting through the metaphorical mall, hoping nobody notices the receipts.
This year, Falvey reportedly made one strategic adjustment. The biggest gifts are being reserved for the staff members in charge of season ticket renewals. These employees have spent the last two seasons absorbing daily phone calls that begin with a long sigh and end with a threat to follow the Wild instead. After payroll slashing and with an on-field product that collapsed two years in a row, Falvey decided a fruit basket was no longer enough.
Sources say the gifts include noise-cancelling headphones, premium stress balls, and a handwritten note that simply reads ‘Thank you for your service’. The Twins briefly explored giving, raises but pivoted to something more flexible and cost-controlled.
Not everyone on the list is still with the organization. Louis Varland reportedly received a Canadian-themed gift package to celebrate his first Christmas as a member of the Toronto Blue Jays. Inside was a collection of maple syrup, a toque, and possibly the contractual rights to Edouard Julien. Falvey framed it as a gesture of goodwill, and not at all a way to clean out the filing cabinet before the new year.
The most elaborate gift may belong to Dave St. Peter. Falvey is said to be presenting the former Twins president with a ‘travel the world’ package, designed to keep him as far away from Target Field as possible during the upcoming season. The itinerary includes extended stays in places with no cellular service and absolutely no access to Minnesota sports radio. It is being billed as a wellness retreat for everyone involved.
Other gifts are more symbolic. Derek Shelton is rumored to be receiving a laminated lineup card that never changes and a candle labeled ‘patience’. Joe Pohlad is expected to get Commercial Real Estate for Dummies; no word on whether Tom will also get A Complete Idiot’s Guide to Baseball. Twins fans are believed to be receiving an email promising clarity soon; it should arrive sometime after the snow melts.
Falvey himself plans to keep things simple. He reportedly bought a mirror, wrapped it carefully, and labeled it ‘culture’. In a season defined by austerity, it feels fitting. The Twins may not be giving fans what they want this Christmas, but at least everyone in the building knows the front office is thinking about them—even if it is at the last minute, and even if the receipt is definitely being kept just in case,