The 2026 Winter Olympics are in full swing, and like many other people, I’ve gotten heavily invested in people that I did not know one week ago and sports that I don’t think about but once every four years. I’m trying my best to be self-aware when I watch these events, marveling over these athletes and the skill that they show off to the world, but I still find myself yelling at the television with my thoughts and instructions as if I really had something to offer a world class ice dancer.

It’s in this spirit that I engaged in this exercise. Let’s say that for whatever reason, the 2026 Winter Olympics needed more participants, and the Kansas City Royals were chosen as the people that need to participate. What events would you send each Royals player to in your best attempt at competing? While the real correct answer is probably “none of them,” and the next best option is “send Bobby Witt to all of them,” I only let each player compete in one event.

So with all the expertise that I’ve gained over the past four days, here’s my list of what Royals players that I would send to each Winter Olympics event.

Alpine Skiing – Maikel Garcia: I feel like Garcia is both shifty and fluid enough with his body to figure out how to go flying down the mountain at breathtaking speeds. Garcia has great reaction times as well, as evidenced by his Gold Glove at third base, which should also help him skiing.

Biathalon – Vinnie Pasquantino: You have to be strong to hold a gun steady and fire at targets after skiing over long distances, so the Royals first baseman is my choice for this event. Vinnie presumably would have a more enjoyable time in Italy than this guy.

Bobsledding – Jac Caglianone: Caglianone should have the strength and speed it takes to push the heavy bobsled from a standing start to a full sprint. Let’s hope he’s up for the whole steering it part afterwards.

Cross Country Skiing – Noah Cameron: Someone has to do it.

Curling – Seth Lugo and Michael Wacha: There is a lot of strategy in curling, as well as adapting to how the ice changes over the course of a match, so I’m trusting that the two veteran starting pitchers are up for the challenge.

Figure Skating – Kyle Isbel: Isbel is an artist out as a centerfield defender and should have the flexibility, agility and coordination to shine on the ice. Assuming he can skate.

Freestyle Skiing – Michael Massey: Massey is a good and fluid defensive player, and proved himself able to handle outfield last year as well as infield. Let’s hope that flexibility and body control keeps him alive on some of these runs.

Hockey – Issac Collins: The Royals newest outfielder is from Minnesota, so he must have played some hockey in his life.

Luge – Salvador Perez: I’m banking on Perez’s upper body strength to help him get a fast start. You also need to stay calm while you are traveling so fast, and the Royals catcher has always been a calming presence behind the plate.

Nordic Combined – Lucas Erceg: Erceg was a third baseman before he was a pitcher, so I’m banking on that two-way ability here. I’m sure it’s completely applicable.

Short Track Speed Skating – Tyler Tolbert: Let’s send the Royals fastest player to the event that relies most on speed.

Skeleton – Cole Ragans: The skeleton riders all seem strong, long and lean, so Ragans has the right body type. Like Salvy, I also trust Ragans to stay calm under pressure.

Ski Jumping- Carter Jensen: You have to very little fear to be a MLB catcher, and you have to have very little fear to fly through the air on skis. I also think Jensen’s power in his legs would help him during the take-off.

Ski Mountaineering – Kris Bubic: “Skimo” is the newest Olympic sport, and I didn’t know anything about it until I started preparing for this article. There’s apparently a lot of strategy involved in Skimo, so I’m going to trust the guy who went to Stanford to figure it out.

Snowboard – Jonathan India: India looks like a snowboarder already, so he’ll be great.

Speed Skating – Bobby Witt Jr: Speed skaters need speed, power, endurance and technique, and the Royals shortstop excels at all of those, at least on the baseball field. I’m sure he can figure out the ice part of it.

I see nothing but medals with my selections, but let me know what you think of my choices in the comments.