MINNEAPOLIS—In a shocking turn of events that defies decades of trauma, the Minnesota Twins’ starting rotation has once again shown signs of being competent—maybe even good. Naturally, this has led a certain segment of the fanbase to descend into full denial, clutching their Bert Blyleven bobbleheads like emotional support animals and waiting for the inevitable collapse.

Despite a team ERA that ranks among the best in the American League and peripherals that make even hardened sabermetricians blush, the average Twins fan remains unconvinced.

“I don’t care if Pablo López strikes out 15 batters in seven innings while simultaneously curing plantar fasciitis,” said longtime Twins enthusiast Dale Knudsen, of Bloomington. “Until I see a Twins starter go three seasons without giving up a home run to a light-hitting backup catcher, I’m not buying it.”

Knudsen, who proudly wears a fading “Santana 57” jersey to every game, went on to explain that his baseball instincts were irreparably damaged in the early 2010s.

“You think I can just unsee Jason Marquis grooving a 79-mph meatball to a guy who’d never hit a homer outside of batting practice?” he said, shaking his head while scrolling through Francisco Liriano highlights on an iPod. “No sir. Not in this lifetime.”

While the 2023 Twins led the league in strikeouts and had one of the deepest rotations in franchise history, many fans dismissed it as a statistical fluke akin to seeing Nick Blackburn pitch a clean inning.

“That was a fever dream,” said Twitter user @FireRoccoPlz43. “They were probably using trick baseballs. Or maybe every other team had food poisoning. There’s no way that was real. This is the same franchise that once convinced us Kevin Correia was an ‘innings eater.’”

When asked about the Twins’ hot start to 2025, including several dominant outings from Joe Ryan, Bailey Ober, and new folk hero Chris Paddack, many fans remained unconvinced.

“Look, I want to believe,” said fan Jenna Melrose of Coon Rapids, holding a laminated newspaper clipping of Johan Santana’s 17-strikeout game. “But every time I see a strong outing, I hear the ghost of Vance Worley whispering, ‘Regression is coming.’”

The bar for Twins starting pitching remains tragically high, thanks largely to the fact that no one in the rotation currently possesses a Cy Young Award, a devastating changeup, or a faint whiff of Venezuelan wizardry. (Actually, López does have some of the latter. But it’s not enough for many.)

“Unless one of these guys wins back-to-back ERA titles and throws a no-hitter with a blindfold on, I’m reserving judgment,” said retired teacher Tom Thorson. “Johan didn’t just pitch; he healed. I’m pretty sure my arthritis went into remission during his 2006 stretch.”

Even younger fans who never saw Santana or Peak Liriano in their primes are deeply skeptical.

“My dad told me stories about a time when Twins pitchers made people miss,” said 19-year-old college student Caleb Olsen. “I thought it was a bedtime myth, like unicorns or competent bullpen management.”

Hope on the Horizon (Maybe)
Still, not everyone is clinging to their pitching PTSD. A quiet but growing number of fans are starting to entertain the possibility that maybe, just maybe, the Twins can sustain their current level of performance.

“I mean, sure, I’ve been hurt before,” said moderately optimistic fan Sandra Wallen. “But if the bullpen doesn’t implode and the starters keep going six-plus, I might allow myself to feel something… cautiously.”

She paused, then added: “Unless they re-sign Kyle Gibson. Then I’m out.”

Whether the Twins’ pitching renaissance is real or just another cruel mirage remains to be seen. But one thing is clear: after years of watching errant sinkers and fly balls land in the seats, some scars just don’t heal.

So if you see a Twins fan watching a 1-0 game with a twitch in their eye and a ‘Free Anthony Swarzak’ shirt, just be gentle. They’ve been through things.

Very, very specific things.