As they are wont to do, the Seattle Mariners played a baseball game tonight. And even though it was against a typically weak 2025 Baltimore Orioles ballclub, the M’s managed make the game nigh unwatchable. George Kirby made his third start of the year, and still seemed like he wasn’t fully recovered from the shoulder inflammation that landed him on the IL. The Orioles took the lead off him in the top of the 1st off of a sac fly and never trailed from then on. The Mariners offense, which started the season as one of the hottest teams in the game, has fully cooled off to tepid at best, and put together a string of at-bats that make someone wonder how they ever score runs. As I said above, it was a nigh unwatchable game.
But the Mariners are no strangers to unwatchable games, and we all have our own tactics to get through them. Tonight’s taxing loss required me to exhaust each of mine, and likely yours as well. So in the spirit of community I’ve prepared a numbered list of strategies that you can use the next time the M’s play a game that tries your soul. The list is organized into nine innings, of course, because this is still supposedly a baseball blog.
Inning One:
What happened: George had a tough time locating his pitches early, and also was stung with some BABIP luck on a couple ground ball singles. He had to grind out the inning, throwing thirty pitches. Mariners went down in order.
How to watch it: Early on in the game it’s easy to handle a stinky inning. I get through an early clunker by browsing social media and keeping tabs on my friends. Hey look, Easton had a tasty lunch!
Inning Two:
What happened: The best inning of the night from a Mariners perspective, as George struck out two and the M’s tied it up on a Rowdy Tellez solo shot. Orioles starter Tomoyuki Sugano is not a guy who misses his spot very often, but he did so here in a big way.
How to watch it: My cat at home was feeling pretty feisty during the second, so I played with her. Maybe one day she’ll finally catch that snake on a stick.
Inning Three:
What happened: George issued a rare walk in this inning, but still faced the minimum thanks to a double play started by Ben Williamson at third. J.P. hit a nice little single in the bottom of the inning, but Sugano also faced the minimum when Jorge Polanco followed that up by bouncing into a double play of his own.
How to watch it: Around this time was when I realized what kind of game we were in for so I went to the kitchen to make a snack. Popcorn popped in coconut oil in a wok. A little shredded cheese, salt, and creole seasoning makes it delectable.
Inning Four:
What Happened: The first inning that George looked like George as he set Baltimore down in order, executing his pitches and playing to opposing hitter’s weaknesses. Julio singled in the bottom of the inning, but nothing else happened.
How to watch it: I was finishing up eating my popcorn as the inning ended, but I spent most of it daydreaming about the fantasy book I’m currently reading. That’s the real secret folks: the Mariners can’t hurt you in your mind palace.
Inning Five:
What Happened: The wheels came off the Kirb-mobile a little bit in the fifth. After 2 easy outs, back-to-back-to-back singles brought home another run and returned the lead to Baltimore. By this point Kirby was at 95 pitches and was taken out of the game. His final hitter, Ramón Urías, decided to add injury to insult. M’s answered back by going down in order.
Kirby says he’s fine, for the record. “Didn’t even hurt, honestly. Got me like 50-50 hand, mouth. There’s nothing wrong with it. I’m glad it took a good ricochet to Rowdy. I didn’t even see it coming. I just put my hand up. So I’m just glad it kind of missed bad spots on my face.”
How to watch it: After returning the popcorn bowl to the kitchen, I spent the bottom of the inning texting all my non-baseball friends about the Kirby comebacker. If the Mariners get to annoy me you better believe that I get to annoy them.
Inning Six:
What Happened: Eduard Bazardo replaced George and was welcomed to the game by Colton Cowser who took the third pitch deep to left center to pad Baltimore’s lead. With the game getting into the later stretches, the M’s got the bones of a rally going when J.P. and Jorge Polanco led off the inning with back-to-back singles. But Julio struck out and Cal bounced into a double play to second. Rats.
How to watch it: I’ve been getting into the Star Wars Legion miniatures game recently, so I browsed eBay for some old expansions. I didn’t buy anything but you’d be surprised how easy it is to waste time on eBay.
Inning Seven:
What Happened: Both teams were sat down in order. Honk shoo, honk mimimimimimi.
How to watch it: I scrolled through my letterboxd watchlist during the seventh. I have so much to catch up on. I hear Friendship is good. Oh hey look the inning’s over. That was fast.
Inning Eight:
What Happened: While the previous 7 innings were how the Mariners lost the game, this inning was how they failed to win. Jackson Kowar pitched his second inning of the game and set the side down in order, the M’s got a little rally going when Miles Mastrobuoni and J.P. Crawford hit back-to-back singles to put runners on the corners with one out. But Jorge popped out foul and Julio struck out on a nasty fastball at the hands. It was the makings of a rally, and it was the closest the Mariners came to fighting back into this one.
How to watch it: I spent most of this inning looking through my cards to Star Wars Legion. There’s some pretty cool art in there, especially of the rebels. People like to say that the Empire looks cooler but I just don’t believe them.
Inning Nine:
What Happened: My notes for this inning just say “lol. lmao.” which just about sums it up. Collin Snider pitched the ninth and had a really hard time executing his pitches. He gave up a lot of loud contact on his first or second pitch of each at-bat, and two more runs on top of that. The Mariners went down in order to watch the game.
How to watch it: After Snider’s second run I got up to do the dishes. And I hate washing the dishes. But at least it was a more useful way to spend my time.
Here’s hoping tomorrow’s game is worth watching.