Even after a brutal series loss to the lowly Miami Marlins, the Twins are not out of the American League Wild Card chase. But with glaringly obvious needs like an impact bat or rotation help likely to go unfilled due to the team’s purgatorial ownership status, they’ll have to improve on the margins. Twins Daily spoke with several front office sources on some of the moves most likely to happen.
First, there will be no trades. “Lol, sure, we’ll make a trade,” said one front office source, struggling to stifle their laughter. “I’ll be honest, I don’t think those are legal. If they were, someone would have told us.”
A permeating, bone-deep sadness as Byron Buxton wastes the best season of his life. “We’re hoping we can get everyone out to Target Field this summer to stare into the middle distance as Byron goes 3-5 with a homer, two stolen bases, and a run-saving catch in another 9-4 loss,” said another one of the sources. “It really connects them to the parents and grandparents who watched Rod Carew play in front of 18 people at Met Stadium.
Road trips sponsored by Frontier Airlines. “It’s not going to hurt our guys to fly a budget airline,” said a third source. “And frankly, being in the cargo hold allows them to be closer to their luggage to prevent any lost valuables.”
Sending season ticket reps door-to-door, begging fans to renew. “The personal touch goes a long way. The desperation in their voice is palpable, and the tears they shed are real, genuine tears. And you’re just going to turn your back on them? What are you, a monster? Instead of being heartless, how about springing for this 20-game ticket package for the rest of the season.”
Thanking the Pohlads. “We will be spending a significant amount of money on a pregame tribute to the Pohlad family and their stewardship of the franchise. After the national anthem, we’ll have a video package with fireworks, marching bands, and local youth choirs singing their praises before the first pitch. We’ll be passing a hat around each section of the stadium where people can donate money to this tribute and give the family a little ‘walking around’ money. If fans arrive late, don’t worry, this process will repeat during the 7th inning stretch.”
Letting fans diagnose, treat Bailey Ober. “We’ve run him out there at a suboptimal level for weeks,” said one source. “I’ll be honest, the only reason he’s on the IL now is that nobody would shut up about him being hurt. So let’s turn the tables a bit. You think you know what’s wrong with Bailey Ober? Diagnose it and fix it. We’re here all day, wise guys. He’s 6’10”, we can barely fit this redwood in the cold tub and you think you have all the answers.”
The Twins open a nine-game home stand Friday against the Tampa Bay Rays.
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