The pitcher, one Mr. Ohl, did not show that ready-for-prime magic, not yet. He’s 25! Give him time. The Twins couldn’t hit anything. It’s a theme. Inning-by-inning notes:

1: Pierson Ohl, he of the 7.15 ERA on the year, gets the start, and immediately reminds you why he’s on your fantasy rotation. Hit, hit, error (by birthday boy Luke Keaschall). Out, walk, K, hit hit. I didn’t say Ohl was on your BASEBALL fantasy rotation. It finally ends when Kody Clemens throws out Zach McInstry at home.

Zach McInstry’s name sounds kinda like “industrial metal” band Ministry. Let’s check and see if Getty has any pictures of the band Ministry.

Ummm… no. We won’t be doing that. There were Iron Crosses and swastikas. Knowing how metal usually rolls, I’m gonna assume those are things saying those symbols are evil. But you never know. So we’re not gonna do it. Tigers 5-0

2: Mr. Ohl, who begins the inning with only 34 pitches thrown — hey that’s Kirby’s number! — is better in this inning, which doesn’t matter since the Twins won’t be hitting anything, anyways. 5 runs is like the 10 that kicks off “mercy rule” finishes in Little League.

Kris Atteberry on radio is talking about the Arizona bullpen being more “stuffish.” AKA, they have lots of “stuff,” high-velocity pitchers. The Twins are not playing Arizona any time soon so I am completely confused. But then Atteberry does a live ad for a Salvation Army homeless-relief charity program, and it’s quite sweet, and so I forgive him for veering off about “stuffish.”

3: Tomorrow’s promotion is a “Joe Mauer Replica Statue.” I dunno how big that is. I kinda hope it’s really tiny, like those pewter figures of D&D characters kids had when I was little. There was a dwarf, a wizard, add a Mauer. What would be a Mauer’s D&D attributes?

Strength: 14. Dexterity: 17 (remember that behind-the-foul-net catch?). Constitution: 9. Intelligence: 15. Wisdom: 16. Charisma: 6.

Detroit scores more. Ohl leaves. José Ureña comes in. Detroit scores more. Mickey Gasper is the catcher and misses a catch but it doesn’t matter.

4: Something…. I dunno. Something in this game they play / Annoys me like most other Twins games / Something in the way they boooooore me / I don’t want to write them now / I do not know even how. Bwaw bwaw bwaw bwaw bwaw bwaw.

I have given up on recapping this game inning-by-inning because I don’t care and neither do you. I threw it open to random recap ideas in the comments and sandwiches responded with this:

Being gassy is okay

I like beer

Gasper shouldn’t be on an MLB team

Molitor-Koskie crossovers? I think he coached while Koskie was on the Twins?

Would a Gladden-Molitor broadcast carry?

Jhoan Duran carted off field after taking a hit ball off his leg

I like beer

Buttermilk is underused in baking

That’s great, and better than anything I’ve got.

7: Alright. There are Country Fans here tonight. (Bob Wills is still the king.) The Country Fans are here to see Dustin Lynch, not related to Twin Peaks director David or Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers drummer Stan.

I was curious who this Dustin Lynch was, so I cued up one of his popular songs, “She Cranks My Tractor.”

It is not much of a song. I’m not gonna link to it. For what it is, it’s fine

What did strike me about the video is how it’s got lotsa gals in skimpy clothes that turn Dustin’s crank, as it were. Not unlike the gals in Robert Palmer’s 1980s videos. I mean… how generic can you get? It doesn’t bother me, it’s just predictable and boring. And Mr. Lynch is from Tullahoma, TN. I’ll bet there are good Twin Cities country artists out there. I’d rather listen to them than watch that country Robert Palmer stuff.

Tonight, the Twins are playing Detroit. Detroit! Home of the greatest band that’s ever existed, the Funk Brothers (the backup band for every hit Motown song). And the greatest rock bassist of all time, James Jamerson (who was so loaded when he did the bassline on Marvin Gaye’s “What’s Going On” that he had to lay on the floor and play the bass part on his back.)

If we can’t have a Twin Cities artist playing country tonight, at least we can have a Motown link? With a great James Jamerson bass line? Yes, we can!

(Also, Marvin Gaye is a better actor than Tammi Terrell. They both have great voices, though!)

9: Paul Molitor on radio says “people don’t understand how big the rubber apparatus is” and I think we’ll just leave it at that, shall we?

Studs: José Miguel Ureña. Seriously — he’s been in MLB for 10 years and played for 10 teams, and he’s the total definition of a journeyman, the dude who’s just good enough to be a fill-in and never good enough to be a major pitcher. You know what? Good for him! The world needs fill-ins who just do their jobs and do them pretty darn well, sometimes. 5.2 IP, 2 hits, 1 BB, 3 K, 0 ER. Ureña was phoning it in as best he could, and tonight, I feel exactly the same way. Except he did a much better job of it than I did.

Duds: Joe Pohlad, who has sent me exactly ZERO FREE HATS this season, and that’s precisely why the Twins are biting butt. 2023? Free hat, reasonably successful season. Since then? No hats, team fails. Correlation is causation.

COTG goes to Matt for “how is it the Twins have one hit and already are 0-7 with RISP?”, Zach for a sweet train story, gintzer for not being too mad at me, and especially nagurskiinnortheast for “My hope is a towering infernal!” A) it sums up where many of us are at right now, and B) it’s a reference to a terrible 1974 movie wasting the talents of Steve McQueen, Fred Astaire, and Faye Dunaway, with a bad musical score by John Williams… yes, THAT John Williams! Jaws would come out the nest year. That has a great John Williams score! The Towering Inferno… does not.

Tomorrow’s game is at 6:10, featuring your Zebulon Mathews against Casey Mize, pitching-wise. Enjoy? Enjoy! There’s all kinds of stuff celebrating the 1965 WS almost-winning squad, it could be fun!