Image courtesy of © RVR Photos-Imagn Images
The Minnesota Twins have officially parted ways with Rocco Baldelli, and with the managerial seat now empty, fans everywhere are suddenly experts on what it takes to run a clubhouse. Forget years of baseball operations experience, minor league development know-how, or cutting-edge analytics. What Twins fans really want in their next manager can be boiled down into one very scientific, absolutely flawless guide.
Step One: Hire a Fan Favorite Player
If you’ve ever taken batting practice in a Metrodome dome dog costume or been immortalized in a Target Field bobblehead, congratulations: you’re already qualified to manage the Minnesota Twins. Forget tactical bullpen management; all you need to do is be a name fans recognize from the good old days.
Torii Hunter has publicly said he wants to manage. He also has the added bonus of smiling more in one week than Baldelli did in six seasons. Hunter’s résumé might be light on tactical acumen, but does it matter? Fans just want him sprinting out of the dugout, waving his arms in protest after every borderline strike call. That’s leadership.
Lew Ford has managed in independent ball, and if you can herd 37 guys who haven’t been paid in weeks and still convince them to run out grounders, you’re basically overqualified for MLB.
Or better yet, just lock in a lifetime deal with a universally beloved fan favorite. It doesn’t even matter who: Michael Cuddyer, Johan Santana, Mike Redmond. Whoever makes you most nostalgic for 2006 gets the job. Cuddyer’s already a contracted special assistant to the front office! You’re halfway home.
Step Two: Bring Back a Living Legend
If a fan favorite player isn’t available, the backup plan is obvious: drag a legend out of retirement. Why reinvent the wheel?
Tom Kelly is a crisp 75 years young. He already knows how to win in Minnesota (granted, it was before the entire roster was born), and after Bruce Bochy led Texas to the World Series, Twins fans are convinced age is just a number. Besides, Kelly would never use the word “load management” unironically, which fans would find refreshing after years of Baldelli’s “scheduled rest” charts.
If TK can’t be coaxed back, maybe the Twins can call up Ron Gardenhire and see if he’s interested in returning with his RonCo Brand Grit™. Even if he doesn’t win, at least the postgame interviews will be more entertaining.
Step Three: Non-Negotiable Fan Traits
Every good fan-sourced managerial search needs a checklist. Here are the must-haves that no CV (not you, Christian Vázquez… although you know what—) should overlook:
Pull the Starter After Exactly 105 Pitches. Not 104, not 106. 105 is the new magic number. It’s time to get back to the Jack Morris era.
Bunt More. Modern baseball hates bunting. Fans love it. The new manager should bunt in every inning, no exceptions. Sacrifice bunts with two outs? Why not? Bunt for a double now and then. It’ll be fine.
Get Thrown Out Once a Week. Baldelli was tossed only sparingly in six years. That’s not nearly enough fire. The new skipper needs to storm the field like it’s a WWE Royal Rumble. The fans will crowdfund a set of wrestling shorts and boots, in fact.
Call Up the Hot Prospect Immediately. Doesn’t matter if he’s 19 years old or currently playing in Rookie ball. If a prospect homers twice in Wichita, he should be leading off in Minneapolis by Friday.
Never Lose a Postseason Game. This one is non-negotiable. Fans have been through enough.
Step Four: The Job Posting (According to Twins Territory)
Now Hiring: Minnesota Twins Manager
Location: Minneapolis, MN
Compensation: $2 million annually plus free Caribou Coffee and a lifetime supply of Dome Dogs (Yes, they are left over from the 2009 Playoffs)
Minimum Qualifications:
Must have once hit a walk-off at the Metrodome OR at least high-fived Joe Mauer.
Experience with baseball optional; “played MLB The Show on Rookie Mode” preferred.
Ability to wave arms furiously while yelling “C’MON BLUE!” required.
Must own at least one pair of stirrups and an authentic Starter jacket.
Familiarity with bunting, even in absurd scenarios (bases empty, two outs, down by 10).
Preferred Experience:
Previous independent league managerial experience (bonus points if your team bus broke down on I-94 and you still got the guys to the game on time).
Played in the 2002 ALCS or can convincingly pretend you did.
Willingness to pull a starter the second he gives up a single to right field, no questions asked.
Step Five: Fan Poll Results
The Twins Daily Department of Very Serious Research™ surveyed 10,000 Minnesotans (and three Wisconsinites who accidentally wandered over). Here are the official results:
Nicest Autograph: Cuddyer (45%) narrowly beat out Hunter (42%). Redmond received 1%, as voters called his scribble “hard to read, looks like a doctor’s note.”
Most Likely to Bunt With the Bases Loaded: Kelly (91%). The other 9% thought it might be Nick Punto, if he’s available. (And he is. In fact, he’s a coach on the Padres staff.)
Most “Managerial” Jawline: Santana (65%), because fans felt “he’d look good in slow-motion camera shots.”
Fan Write-In Candidate: Justin Morneau (12%)—though half of those ballots were accidentally cast for “Justin Moreno,” a dentist in Eagan.
At the end of the day, the Twins could hire a seasoned baseball lifer, a former star, or just someone who knows how to toss a rally sausage on the dugout rail. Whoever it is, fans won’t be satisfied unless the new manager both delivers a World Series and makes everyone feel warm and fuzzy about the early 2000s.
Because in Minnesota, winning is nice, but a healthy dose of nostalgia, bunting, and good dugout theatrics is the real dream.