When the Minnesota Twins relieved Rocco Baldelli of his managerial duties this week, the reaction was what you’d expect. While the Twins had missed the playoffs in four of the last five years, no reasonable observer could entirely blame Baldelli for ownership’s payroll malfeasance and the lack of player development or roster depth.
Gregg G. Milbank is not a reasonable observer.
“If Rockhead doesn’t have such a quick hook, maybe they make the playoffs the last two years. Let the pitchers pitch. Good riddance, I say.”
Milbank, 34, claims to have created the “Rockhead” nickname for Baldelli, going so far as to file a copyright for it. He says that despite the patent office laughing and pointing at him when he made the request, he’s “pretty confident” it led to a series of romantic encounters and lucrative job opportunities.
(Friends dispute Milbank’s assertion, saying that he lives alone with his cat, Pierzynski, and makes his living selling bootleg Labubus outside of South Dakota Dollar General stores.)
With a new manager in the offing, Milbank is already gearing up for a short, sharp nickname to mock any potential hire.
“I heard they might try to get (former Twins coach) James Rowson back from the Yankees,” said Milbank, carefully arranging the faux Labubus in the trunk of his Honda Civic. “There’s not a lot to work with there, but I think ‘Blowson’ might have legs. Look at Blowson blow another game because he blows. Could be something?”
Milbank says he has a spreadsheet with all the potential candidates’ names and potential slurs, except for one.
“Toby Gardenhire is an American hero,” said Milbank of the St. Paul Saints manager, stroking Pierzynski’s fur while emitting a substantial vape plume. “If they hire him, he has my 100 percent buy-in. Anyone slanders any Gardenhire in my presence, we’re gonna tangle.”
Milbank, whose full name is Greggory Gregory Milbank, said he is happy to discuss Minnesota’s plan at manager with anyone this weekend outside the Flandreau Dollar General.
“I’m in the Dollar General parking lot on weekends to do two things: Talk Twins and sell these authentic-looking Labubus,” Milbank said, putting his intricate vape rig down. “And I’m almost out of authentic-looking Labubus.”
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