As filed to the Minnesota State Patrol, new Twins executive chairman Tom Pohlad reported a break-in early Christmas Eve morning.
Although there were no signs of forced entry, Tom said that the burglars appeared in quick succession in the middle of the night, each waking him up with “rantings about the soul of the Twins” while he tried to go to sleep.
The report also suggests that the burglars were equipped with disguises. The first, in the guise of Tom’s father Carl Pohlad, alerted Tom that the other three burglars would be coming later that evening. Tom made sure all entrances were secure and went to sleep, but the other three, respectively costumed as Calvin Griffith, Joe Pohlad, and “some emo goth in a black hoodie,” still found their way into his bedroom.
As quoted in the police report:
Complainant states that the burglars had intricate video or hologram technology, possibly an updated version of ChatGPT, to show him films of past, present, and future Twins seasons. Complainant says the burglars ordered him to spend money on the ballclub or the Twins would cease to exist; he did not see the problem as that was what his father had wanted. In addition to criminal charges, complainant seeks copyright infringement charges against burglars for use of his family’s likenesses.
Representatives of the Minnesota State Patrol and the Pohlad family did not respond to a request for comment.
In consultation, a member of Twinkie Town’s legal counsel said that Tom Pohlad’s case is unlikely to succeed due to the inspiration for this piece of satire being years out of copyright.