Every February brings renewed hope, warmer weather, and the annual tradition of hearing that at least twelve Minnesota Twins players are in the “best shape of their lives.” This year, the organization decided to stop limiting that distinction to players and instead open it to anyone with an email address ending in twinsbaseball.com.
After a Twins Fest weekend that included the usual flurry of physicals, the front office reportedly looked at one another, nodded, and asked the obvious question: Why stop there? If players need baseline data before camp, then surely the rest of the organization could benefit from the same experience. Thus was born the most comprehensive spring training intake process in franchise history.
President of Baseball and Business Operations Derek Falvey explained the move with the kind of straight-faced confidence that only baseball executives possess.
“We talk a lot about alignment and optimization,” Falvey said. “It felt inconsistent to have players undergoing physicals while the rest of us were just sort of vibing. If we are going to ask accountability from the roster, we should be willing to step on the same scale ourselves.”
According to team sources, the physicals now extend well beyond players on the 40-man roster. Scouts, front office staff, coaches, clubhouse attendants, and at least one mascot have all been encouraged to participate. Participation is described as voluntary in the same way that showing up early to workouts is voluntary.
Falvey emphasized that this is not about shaming anyone but about gaining information.
“This is about knowing where everyone is at,” Falvey said. Strength, mobility, flexibility, cardiovascular health. Also posture. We are big on posture this year. We think it is an inefficiency in the market.”
As a result, spring training will feature a wide array of individuals arriving in the best shape of their lives. Some of the early candidates include:
The backup bullpen catcher who spent the offseason doing hot yoga and now refuses to sit down during games.
A veteran scout who says he dropped twenty pounds by walking Midwest high school campuses and quietly judging exit velocities.
The team videographer, who now refers to himself as an athlete because he can hold a camera rig for three innings without shaking.
A front office analyst who replaced coffee with cold plunges and now speaks exclusively in recovery metrics.
At least one coach who insists he feels better at 58 than he did at 32 and will bring it up unprompted.
One staff member who asked to remain anonymous said the process was intense but affirming.
“I came in thinking I was in decent shape,” he said. “Then they hooked me up to a machine and told me my core was a suggestion, not a reality. I have been planking ever since.”
Players have reportedly responded well to the expanded program. Several expressed relief that the spotlight was not solely on them.
“It is nice to see everyone else get weighed too,” said one anonymous Twins pitcher. “I have been hearing ‘best shape of my life’ jokes for years. Now the assistant general manager has to live that life.”
Falvey confirmed that the phrase “best shape of their lives” has been carefully defined internally.
“We are not saying perfect, ” Falvey said. “We are saying measurably improved from the last checkpoint. That checkpoint might be last season, or it might be college, or it might be before you discovered airport food. Context matters.”
As camp opens, fans can expect the usual spring training optimism mixed with a new level of organizational confidence. Everyone is healthier, stronger, and definitely more flexible than last year. The Twins may or may not win the division, but they will absolutely win the wellness portion of the Grapefruit League.
And if nothing else, there is comfort in knowing that somewhere in Fort Myers, a spreadsheet exists proving that at least one member of the accounting department shaved 2% body fat and is very proud of it.