A half inning into the Roxbottoms home opener hope springs eternal leak and transforms into cope, mope and, yes, nope.

The Fee-Fi-Foe-Fun Phillies, who had packed the park with their feisty fans, generated a double, a walk, a single, another double, a three-run homer, a third double and one more base hit in the top of the first and coasted to a 10-1 victory. The Rox suffered their foulest first game in Colorado.

The alleged new-and-improved Rockies approached Saturday night’s game on a pace to lose 116. In 2025 the local yokels finished with a humiliating franchise record of 43-119 that threatened MLB’s worst result ever.

 Here they go again as April fools.

 Manager Warren Schaeffer said it was just one game. Thank goodness it wasn’t a doubleheader or against undefeated Erie High School. The defeat to the Phillies was eerie and ugly enough.

Starting pitcher and $8 million man Michael Lorenzen has said his agent thought the 34-year-old journeyman had rocks in his head to sign with the Rox. Players should trust their reps. Lorenzen, who has a claim of the highest variety of pitches in the game, was eviscerated with every type of throw in the first inning, but was forced to stay on the mound for two more, permitting 12 hits and nine runs. Meanwhile, the Purple Pain, with six fresh players in the lineup, didn’t have an official error, but right fielder Mickey Moniak lost a ball in the sun and center fielder Brenton Doyle botched a diving catch.

Friday was not a Grand Opening although the Roxbottoms had promoted their bizarre concession items and an entirely dissimilar style of altitude ball. According to Schaeffer, the team is concentrating on being baseball’s burglars. Problem is stealing second doesn’t win games. Doubles in the gap, triples off the walls and copious home runs are the solution at Cape Coors. The manager has flawed strategy and schemes. The Friday Phillies showed that three doubles and three homers will beat swipes and strikeouts.

The Roxbottoms were promising to enhance their plate appearances and approach to hitting. But five hits (four singles) and 15 strikeouts obviously are the same old same old stuff. They were K’d 17 times in the previous game.

The Rockies lost more than 500 games in the last five seasons, despite one broadcast flunky stating Friday: “Well, they’ve had a couple of tough years.”

How about seven years of bad luck, terrible players and managers, the most awful family ownership in baseball and a farcical philosophy? The loss totals from 2019-2025 were 91, 34 (pandemic), 87, 94, 103, 101 and 119. Dick Monfort refused to sell the team despite the constant outcry and instead promoted his son, but finally was coerced into hiring several outsiders.

During spring training the brass-backward bosses asserted the Rox were aimed in the right direction. The Roxbottoms started the season by dropping three to the mediocre Marlins. They did win a couple in Toronto to give “hope” before their traditional Denver opener, which was hopeless.

Of course, Philadelphia is displaying its latest solid roster including Bryce Harper, Trea Turner, J.T. Realmuto and Kyle Schwarber, who returned from free agency. A couple of baseball buffoons advocated the Rockies would go after Schwarber. Ha.

Instead, the Roxbottoms traded for or signed some second- and third-tier rotational pitchers and position players, including Lorenzen and Jose Quintana, who already has been designated injured.

After the Easter game with the Phillies the situation for the Roxstars stays serious with home-and-away series against the Astros and the Padres. The Dodgers, who treat the Rockies like wet pull toys, loom in mid-April at Coors Field. A trip to play the Mets follows.

The Roxbottoms  easily could lose 20 more games this month and settle at rock bottom as always in the West Division and the National League.

Rockies faithful few can look forward to a pair of Fireworks Nights July 3-4, hot dog specials and the creative City Connect Mystery Player Jersey Giveaway.

The Savannah Bananas, who drew two sellouts in Denver last year, return Aug. 14-15 to entertain with the Indianapolis Clowns in LoDo. However, they will be playing the wrong clowns.

Kris Bryant is assigned to 60-day (read: permanent) inactive status.

And the home opener revealed that hope remains a hallucination to the Roxbottoms.