*Please Note This Is Satire* <\/p>\n
I usually write serious articles. This is not one of them.<\/p>\n
Trash talk has been an integral part of baseball since its inception. <\/p>\n
All the way back in 1912, Ty Cobb ran into the crowd during a game to beat up a fan who was yelling some … less than savory<\/a> things at him. <\/p>\n To be very clear, I don\u2019t condone violence, nor racism, nor ableism. I do, however, support the First Amendment and the inalienable right to talk sh*t. <\/p>\n As a baseball fan, you yourself probably talk at least a little trash. Even the most mild-mannered of Brewers<\/a> fans has said something less than kind about an umpire, or Jesse Winker, or Manny Machado. I know it\u2019s always better to take the high road, and I encourage you, reader, to do so as much as possible.<\/p>\n However, if you\u2019re going to talk trash, do it well. Do it effectively.<\/p>\n This guide is for those of you who like talking trash about our division rivals. This is for the Brewers fans who want to make sure that their Cubs fan coworker thinks twice before referring to AmFam Field\/The Field Formerly Known As Miller Park as \u201cWrigley North.\u201d Next time your buddy from college won\u2019t shut up about how great Paul Skenes is, or about how *insert NL Central team here* won a World Series before the Brewers, come back and find this article. I promise it\u2019ll inspire you.<\/p>\n Welcome to the 2025 Haters\u2019 Guide to the NL Central. First up: the Cincinnati Reds<\/a><\/p>\n Cincinnati Reds <\/p>\n Owner: For a long time, it was Marge Schott, who made Kanye West<\/a> look like Mother Teresa. Schott allegedly owned a literal \u201ccollection of swastikas<\/a>.\u201d Bud Selig pressured her into selling the team after she repeatedly<\/a> used racial and homophobic slurs in multiple interviews<\/a>.<\/p>\n Notable Schott-isms include:<\/p>\n \u201cSneaky goddamn Jews are all alike.\u201d These are the ones I deemed tame enough to include. The full list is here<\/a> if you can stomach extreme and unabashed racism.<\/p>\n Carl Lindner Jr., the guy who owned Chiquita Banana<\/a>, bought the franchise from Schott. While under Lindner\u2019s ownership, Chiquita was found guilty<\/a> of torture, extrajudicial killings, crimes against humanity, and war crimes in Colombia.<\/p>\n Yeah, you read that right. Lindner\u2019s company funded Colombian terrorist organizations that killed thousands of people. This guy was the upgrade!<\/p>\n After the Nazi and the war criminal, the Reds decided to upgrade again. Bob Castellini\u2019s only crime is being incredibly cheap. Castellini has opened his pocketbook to the tune of … one playoff appearance since 2014. In Bleacher Report\u2019s<\/a> list of MLB\u2019s worst owners, Castellini ranked 27th out of 30 \u2014 in between the Monforts<\/a> (the owners of the Rockies) and John Fisher, who is currently wanted for extortion and fraud in Alameda County<\/a>, California. <\/p>\n While B\/R\u2019s list is delegitimized by ranking Fisher above 30, this is a sentiment shared<\/a> by many Reds fans. I\u2019ve been guilty of giving Mark Attanasio grief, but Castellini (and Pirates owner Bob Nutting) make me want to send him a handwritten thank you card.<\/p>\n Manager: No longer content with being aggressively mediocre, the Reds replaced David Bell (.473 win percentage in six seasons) with Terry Francona. Francona, once referred to as a \u201cworthless player<\/a>\u201d by legendary baseball writer Bill James<\/a>, has had a long and successful second act as a manager. He\u2019s won two World Series (with the Red Sox in 2004 and 2007). <\/p>\n Francona\u2019s last World Series appearance ended with his team, formerly known as the Indians, choking away home-field advantage against \u2014 you guessed it \u2014 the Cubs. Francona is the reason that the Cubs, a historically pathetic organization, won their first title since before Henry Ford introduced the Model-T. Cubs fans have bragging rights over us because of you, Terry. It\u2019s all your fault.<\/p>\n This is Francona\u2019s first season as a manager since 2021. He attributed his absence to repeated health<\/a> issues going back to his time with Boston. Francona\u2019s son Nick attributed his absence to (allegedly) letting Mickey Callaway<\/a> sexually harass<\/a> half of northeastern Ohio. Go be with your family, Terry. Don\u2019t put your body through that again just to finish third in the NL Central.<\/p>\n President of Baseball Ops: Nick Krall<\/a>, who got his start with the Moneyball A\u2019s and just so happens to look like a skinnier, older version of Jonah Hill<\/a> from Moneyball (2011).<\/p>\n Reds fans seem to be high on<\/a> Krall. He was hired in September of 2023, when the Reds had a top-five farm system<\/a> in the league per MLB Pipeline. Their farm system now ranks 11th<\/a>. Krall oversaw last year\u2019s 77-85 season, five games worse than 2023. As a Brewer fan, thank you.<\/p>\n Position Players Worth Mentioning: Credit where credit is due \u2014 Elly De La Cruz<\/a> is a stud. He\u2019s really fun to watch and a legitimate franchise cornerstone. I\u2019d still rather have Chourio, but De La Cruz should make at least a few All-Star games in the next five years.<\/p>\n Kenosha native Gavin Lux has been raking (.302\/.396\/.422) since joining the Reds this season. He\u2019s from Wisconsin, so I\u2019m not gonna say anything bad about him. Also, he\u2019s started games at both third and shortstop this season. Come home, Gavin.<\/p>\n Matt McLain<\/a> had a standout season as a rookie in 2023 before missing all of last season with a shoulder injury. He\u2019s hitting .168 this year with 18 hits. Joey Ortiz is hitting .175 with 22 hits. Matt McLain is the Reds\u2019 two-hitter. If Pat Murphy had Ortiz hitting second right now, there would be a repeat of Ten Cent Beer Night<\/a> at AmFam Field. Except with better beer. Again, thank god for Attanasio.<\/p>\n Pitchers Worth Mentioning: The Reds\u2019 ace is former No. 2 overall pick Hunter Greene. Greene is really fun to watch \u2014 his fastball hangs out around 100 mph and tops out at 104. He had a breakout season last year, pitching to the tune of a 2.75 ERA and making his first All-Star team. Greene will most likely be condemned to the same fate as Aroldis Chapman \u2014 serving as one of the main draws for a mediocre ball club. Like Chapman, Greene will inevitably be traded to the Yankees (or Dodgers) for prospects.<\/p>\n Brady Singer, who is also a pretty darn good pitcher<\/a>, came over via trade in the offseason. I always liked Singer because of this<\/a> \u2014 the dude seems like a genuinely good human being. He\u2019s a breath of fresh air given that previous Reds stars preferred to spend their paychecks on strip clubs<\/a>, guns<\/a>, drugs<\/a>, and gambling<\/a>.<\/p>\n Nick Lodolo has been pitching very well so far this season. He\u2019s also only pitched two full seasons in his career and is now 27, also making him a prime candidate as a Yankees\/Dodgers\/Mets trade deadline acquisition when the Reds inevitably realize they aren\u2019t contenders.<\/p>\n The Ballpark: Great American Ballpark is right on the water, which adds the fun little twist of players very occasionally hitting \u201csplash hit home runs<\/a>.\u201d It\u2019s like the Giants\u2019 stadium, where a well-hit ball to right field sometimes ends up in the San Francisco Bay. Giants fans will often hang out in the ocean in canoes and battle for home runs and foul balls. You don\u2019t want to do that in the dark brown Ohio River<\/a>.<\/p>\n The Fans: Reds fans are probably my favorites in the NL Central. In my experience, they share many of the qualities that make people from Wisconsin special \u2014 kind, family-oriented, hard-working, and hard-drinking. The second result on a Google search for \u2018Cincinnati bars\u201d is a Yelp page titled \u201cBEST OF Cincinnati, OH Day Drinking<\/a>.\u201d My kind of people.<\/p>\n Reds fans are usually also Bengals fans, so this is an obligatory reminder that their team spent half of the salary cap on three players<\/a> and will now be forced to field an offensive line consisting of Canadian Football League backups and whoever the best player at the University of Cincinnati is. Former Reds setup man Jonathan Broxton <\/a>was 6\u20195\u201d, 310 lbs \u2014 maybe he could play left tackle?<\/p>\n The City: In my opinion, Cincinnati is \u2014 by far \u2014 the best city in Ohio. Not a tough choice to make when you consider the alternatives: Cleveland, Toledo, Akron, Columbus. <\/p>\n Unlike Milwaukee, Cincy isn\u2019t known for its beer. What they are known for is this absolute abomination<\/a>. Everyone I\u2019ve met from Cincinnati has raved about Skyline Chili. Unrelatedly, Cincinnati ranks among the fattest cities in America<\/a> (and therefore the world). <\/p>\n
\n\u201cEverybody knows [Hitler] was good at the beginning, but he just went too far.\u201d
\n\u201cSome of the biggest problems in this city come from women wanting to leave the home and work.\u201d<\/p>\n