*Please Note This Is Satire*<\/p>\n
I usually write serious articles. This is not one of them.<\/p>\n
Trash talk has been an integral part of baseball since its inception. <\/p>\n
All the way back in 1912, Ty Cobb ran into the crowd during a game to beat up a fan who was yelling some … less than savory<\/a> things at him. <\/p>\n To be very clear, I don\u2019t condone violence, nor racism, nor ableism. I do, however, support the First Amendment and the inalienable right to talk sh*t. <\/p>\n As a baseball fan, you yourself probably talk at least a little trash. Even the most mild-mannered of Brewers<\/a> fans has said something less than kind about an umpire, or Jesse Winker, or Manny Machado. I know it\u2019s always better to take the high road, and I encourage you, reader, to do so as much as possible.<\/p>\n However, if you\u2019re going to talk trash, do it well. Do it effectively.<\/p>\n This guide is for those of you who like talking trash about our division rivals. This is for the Brewers fans who want to make sure that their Cubs fan coworker thinks twice before referring to AmFam Field\/The Field Formerly Known As Miller Park as \u201cWrigley North.\u201d Next time your buddy from college won\u2019t shut up about how great Paul Skenes is, or about how *insert NL Central team here* won a World Series before the Brewers, come back and find this article. I promise it\u2019ll inspire you.<\/p>\n Welcome back to the 2025 Haters\u2019 Guide to the NL Central. Without further ado, the Pittsburgh Pirates<\/a>:<\/p>\n Pittsburgh Pirates<\/p>\n Owner: Bob Nutting, the front-runner for the 2025 Worst Owner In Baseball Not Named John Fisher Award. Nutting has been nicknamed \u201cBottom-Line Bob\u201d for his unwillingness to spend. Brewers\u2019 owner Mark Attanasio and Reds\u2019 owner Bob Castellini both rank bottom five in net worth among MLB owners. Nutting is closer to Astros\u2019 owner Jim Crane than Attanasio and closer to White Sox owner Jerry Reinsdorf than Castellini. The Pirates are spending nearly $30 million less on payroll than the Brewers ($87.6 million to Milwaukee\u2019s $115.1 million) despite Nutting being worth over a billion dollars ($400M+ more than Attanasio and $700M+ more than Castellini).<\/p>\n That level of cheapness is a sin in and of itself. However, Nutting isn\u2019t just cheap, he\u2019s also greedy. Nutting has repeatedly insulted the legacy of one of baseball\u2019s most storied franchises by prioritizing profits.<\/p>\n Since 1999, fans of the Pirates have had the opportunity to purchase engraved bricks \u2014 called Bucco Bricks \u2014 outside of PNC Park. It was a cool idea \u2014 for a couple hundred bucks, you could put your name (or the name of your late father<\/a>) on a brick that would be outside PNC Park presumably forever. Bricks usually last a long time.<\/p>\n Proceeds also went to benefit the Roberto Clemente Foundation (dedicated to humanitarian aid, disaster relief, and funding sports teams for low-income and at-risk youth). The Bucco Bricks were removed before the 2025 season and discovered in a landfill<\/a>, (rightfully) enraging Pirates fans and anyone else who cares about morals.<\/p>\n The Pirates (read: Nutting) replaced<\/a> the Roberto Clemente logo on the right field wall with an advertisement<\/a> for Surfside Hard Iced Tea. Why honor your franchise GOAT who died tragically on the way to deliver humanitarian aid to a developing country when you can make a few thousand bucks instead?<\/p>\n Nutting also screwed over former Brewer fan favorite Rowdy Tellez \u2014 cutting him with six games left in the season. Tellez, who\u2019d played for the Pirates all year, just so happened to be four at-bats away from a $200,000 bonus. Of course, that didn\u2019t factor into the decision<\/a> to cut Tellez at all. How can you expect a guy like Paul Skenes to stay with an organization like that? Justice for Rowdy.<\/p>\n The people of Pittsburgh deserve better<\/a>.<\/p>\n Manager: Derek Shelton Don Kelly. Kelly, a Pittsburgh native, is married to Neil Walker<\/a>\u2019s sister. Due to the Pittsburgh connections and the fact that things can\u2019t really get much worse, Kelly will definitely get more love than Shelton did.<\/p>\n Shelton isn\u2019t really worth mentioning, even though I wrote a whole blurb on him before the Pirates sacked him. Based on his time with the Pirates (zero winning seasons and a .410 win percentage, third-worst ever<\/a> among managers who lasted five years), he\u2019s not going to be a manager again for a very long time.<\/p>\n President of Baseball Ops: Theo Epstein-trainee Ben Cherington. The Epstein baseball ops tree is like the Sean McVay coaching tree<\/a>, but with even more open nepotism and fewer results (see: Jed Hoyer).<\/p>\n Don\u2019t take it from me, though. From a top 1% commenter on the Pirates\u2019 Reddit<\/a>:<\/p>\n \u201cThese two bums (the other being Derek Shelton) won\u2019t be getting jobs anywhere once they\u2019re fired here because they have completely crapped themselves every single year they\u2019ve been here. We\u2019re in year 6 of ben cherington and we got guys like valdez, frazier, canario, pham, etc giving us daily AB\u2019s. We got a prospect system that has 0 bats in it and the prospects we did have in endy, davis, jack, nick, etc etc look like busts and in nicks case he\u2019s been mediocre and injury prone. It\u2019s a disaster beyond recognition and this team is an embarrassment to the city of Pittsburgh.\u201d<\/p>\n Unlike on Brewers social media, nobody is pushing back in defense of their front office. They all think Cherington sucks. One of the top comments says it would be more accurate to change \u201cworst GM in Pirates history\u201d to \u201cworst GM in the history of Major League Baseball.\u201d<\/p>\n Cherington\u2019s Pirates are on pace<\/a> to win 51 games this year. The Pirates don\u2019t have a single Cherington-drafted-and-developed position player in the lineup. Not great. No, he doesn\u2019t get credit for Paul Skenes. You should have put your foot down about Rowdy, Ben. That\u2019s on you too.<\/p>\n Position Players Worth Mentioning: I have a friend from the Pittsburgh area who\u2019s a huge football fan and a very, very casual baseball fan (tracks). Dude thought Oneil Cruz was Elly De La Cruz for at least two years \u2014 don\u2019t ask me why. Tall? Dreads? Shortstop? Cruz? Imagine his disappointment when I explained that no, Elly De La Cruz is not a Pirate, that\u2019s a different guy.<\/p>\n Bryan Reynolds (career .274\/.348\/.464) has made two All-Star teams with the Pirates and is probably their best position player. This season, he\u2019s hitting close to his weight (205 pounds, if you\u2019re curious) with a 76 OPS+. Pretty representative of how the season\u2019s gone so far in Pittsburgh.<\/p>\n Andrew McCutchen is still hitting third, just like it\u2019s 2013. Cutch is sitting at a 110 OPS+ despite being roughly 55 years old. He\u2019ll at least deserve a conversation for the Hall of Fame, and it\u2019s cool to see him finish his career with the team that he won an MVP with. <\/p>\n Pitchers Worth Mentioning: Paul Skenes<\/a>. At least until Livvy Dunne decides that she doesn\u2019t want to live in Pittsburgh anymore.<\/p>\n The Ballpark: Apparently, the Thunderdome<\/a>. The two headlines I\u2019ve seen about PNC Park in the last couple weeks are:<\/p>\n \u201cFan falls from stands at PNC Park<\/a>\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cBallpark usher whips Pirates fan with belt during altercation\u201d<\/a><\/p>\n The Fans: That usher who beat up a fan<\/a>, then whipped him with his belt? He did so because the fan (and some other goon) was sexually harassing a female concession worker<\/a>. Shoutout to the usher, the guy deserves a promotion. <\/p>\n Pirates fans are still 500 million times better than Steelers fans<\/a>. Maybe that\u2019s because the Pirates aren\u2019t good enough to be that passionate about.<\/p>\n The City: I\u2019ve never been to Pittsburgh, so I called in a favor from a friend from college who moved out there for a job. He said mostly good things. Good food scene, cool industrial bones, up-and-coming nightlife. Primanti Bros. apparently is worth the hype. My additions to the \u201cPittsburgh good\u201d list: Wiz Khalifa<\/a>, Mac Miller<\/a> (RIP), Mark Cuban (no, he isn\u2019t from Dallas).<\/p>\n My buddy did say that he\u2019s never seen as many potholes as he has in Pittsburgh. He lived in West Oakland<\/a> for a while. Also, apparently, the air smells like \u201cburning plastic<\/a>.\u201d The American Lung Association consistently ranks Pittsburgh as one of the top 10 most polluted cities in America, though it\u2019s not even top 65 in population<\/a>.<\/p>\n Next up: St. Louis Cardinals<\/a><\/p>\n