*Please Note This Is Satire*<\/p>\n
I usually write serious articles. This is not one of them.<\/p>\n
Trash talk has been an integral part of baseball since its inception. <\/p>\n
All the way back in 1912, Ty Cobb ran into the crowd during a game to beat up a fan who was yelling some … less than savory<\/a> things at him. <\/p>\n To be very clear, I don\u2019t condone violence, nor racism, nor ableism. I do, however, support the First Amendment and the inalienable right to talk sh*t. <\/p>\n As a baseball fan, you yourself probably talk at least a little trash. Even the most mild-mannered of Brewers<\/a> fans has said something less than kind about an umpire, or Jesse Winker, or Manny Machado. I know it\u2019s always better to take the high road, and I encourage you, reader, to do so as much as possible.<\/p>\n However, if you\u2019re going to talk trash, do it well. Do it effectively.<\/p>\n This guide is for those of you who like talking trash about our division rivals. This is for the Brewers fans who want to make sure that their Cubs<\/a> fan coworker thinks twice before referring to AmFam Field\/The Field Formerly Known As Miller Park as \u201cWrigley North.\u201d Next time your buddy from college won\u2019t shut up about how great Paul Skenes is, or about how *insert NL Central team here* won a World Series before the Brewers, come back and find this article. I promise it\u2019ll inspire you.<\/p>\n Welcome to the 2025 Haters\u2019 Guide to the NL Central. Finally, the Chicago Cubs:<\/p>\n Chicago Cubs<\/p>\n Owner: Tom Ricketts, the final boss of both finance bros and nepo babies. Cubs fans somehow complain about<\/a> Ricketts not<\/a> spending enough, despite spending about $100 million more<\/a> than the Brewers<\/a> this season. <\/p>\n Boo hoo, the Cubs only got MVP candidate Kyle Tucker and Shota Imanaga, not Shohei Ohtani. We won the division the last two years, rolling out guys like Thyago Vieira, Jesse Winker (*shudders*), and the reanimated corpse of Dallas Keuchel. Seems like a skill issue to me.<\/p>\n Manager: Ha. Ha. Ha. Hahahaha. I\u2019ve been waiting for this. <\/p>\n Craig Counsell, who as a player tied an MLB record for consecutive hitless at-bats<\/a> (45). I was actually watching the game<\/a> where Counsell broke that hitless streak with my father and grandfather. <\/p>\n My grandfather, who would have been 99 this October, was born in Milwaukee all the way back in 1926. He lived in the Milwaukee area his entire life. Grandpa had been a fan of the Brewers since their inception, bringing my father to games at Milwaukee County Stadium despite his minimum wage salary. He had been there for every single Brewers season ever until he passed back in 2018 (RIP, wish he could have seen the run to the NLCS that year). <\/p>\n When Counsell singled, breaking his hitless streak, he received a rousing ovation from the crowd at Miller Park. Even my grandfather, who was always kind of a grumpy guy, clapped. Counsell had the two worst months any major league baseball player has ever had at the plate, and Milwaukee fans, including a man who had been there through it all, stood by him. <\/p>\n He further endeared himself to Brewers fans when he was hired to replace Ron Roenicke in 2015. Counsell finished his tenure as manager of the Brewers with a .531 winning percentage, even falling one game short of the World Series during that 2018 season. He was beloved in Milwaukee.<\/p>\n Then he decided to screw that all up.<\/p>\n Counsell decided to jump ship, a sin that would have been forgivable after years with a small-market team. Counsell was linked to the Mets, a team with the richest owner in baseball (Steve Cohen). It would have been somewhat understandable if Counsell wanted to join them (and former general manager David Stearns). He was incredibly successful with one of the lowest payrolls in the league, in the smallest market in the league. I personally wouldn\u2019t have blamed him for seeing if he could win a World Series with access to Cohen\u2019s checkbook.<\/p>\n Instead, he decided to sign with our hated rivals \u2014 the one organization besides the Cardinals that would have turned Brewers fans against him. <\/p>\n Counsell, who still resides in Whitefish Bay during the offseason, put in 10-plus years with Milwaukee as a player and manager. We loved him. Then he decided to blow that all up. Good riddance.<\/p>\n Every boo he\u2019s ever gotten in Milwaukee has been deserved. Chicago\u2019s fans, casuals who only show up to the ballpark because it\u2019s an excuse to drink crappy beer and start fights, will never love him like we did. Kevin Durant<\/a> is less of a snake<\/a>.<\/p>\n Yes, I\u2019m still salty about it.<\/p>\n President of Baseball Ops: Jed Hoyer, another Theo Epstein acolyte. Since taking over as President of Baseball Operations (at the end of 2020) through the end of last season, Hoyer has recorded a 311-336 record (.481). The Cubs have failed to make the playoffs in every season since promoting Hoyer. He\u2019s living proof that all you have to do to be successful is know the right people.<\/p>\n The Cubs have a winning record this year, but c\u2019mon. Trading for established stars (Tucker) and signing highly ranked international players doesn\u2019t exactly count as shrewd or analytical. Hoyer traded away three guys for Tucker who are helping<\/a> the Astros win games this season, and now rumors are spreading that Tucker might not<\/a> re-sign in Chicago. <\/p>\n Position Players Worth Mentioning: This is the part where I don\u2019t get to be (entirely) snarky and am forced to acknowledge that the Cubs are a really good baseball team this year. Tucker is slashing .284\/.395\/.547 with nine home runs and a 166 OPS+. Seiya Suzuki has a 132 OPS+ and nine home runs. <\/p>\n Journeyman catcher Carson Kelly, who sports a 92 OPS+ for his 10-year career, is putting up literal Aaron Judge numbers: 253 (!!) OPS+, .517 rOBA, .348 batting average. Suzuki and Tucker are for real, and Kelly will probably have a career-best season. Still, if Kelly finishes the year with a 253 OPS+, I will get the Cubs logo tattooed on my forehead. Hold me to it.<\/p>\n Pete Crow-Armstrong was supposed to be a light-hitting defensive stud, capable of hitting for average and not power. PCA hit 10 home runs and put up 2.3 WAR in 123 games last year. This year? He\u2019s already up to 10 home runs (three against the Brewers), 2.1 WAR, and a 134 OPS+ \u2014 47 points higher than his 2024 mark. So far, the peripherals support Crow-Armstrong\u2019s breakout. He\u2019s rocking a 41.4% hard-hit rate, 36.2% fly ball rate (both career-highs), and a career low 26.7% ground ball rate \u2014 he\u2019s hitting the ball in the air and hitting it harder.<\/p>\n I\u2019m hoping he pulls a Jordan and decides he\u2019s accomplished enough in the majors, choosing instead to pursue his dad\u2019s true passion \u2014 acting<\/a>. His mom was also an actor, appearing in Little Big League<\/a> and Minority Report<\/a> with Tom Cruise. Fitting, then, that PCA looks like he spent the last 10 years submerged in one of those creepy deprivation tanks<\/a> from Minority Report. Dude is pale as hell<\/a> for a guy who works outside.<\/p>\n Chicago also has the corpse of Justin Turner. Turner missed his first couple of years as a professional after being drafted to go fight in Vietnam. I\u2019m kidding, he\u2019s not that old, but you thought about it for a second. Right?<\/p>\n Turner is a playoff legend and was always one of my favorite non-Brewers, at least until he joined the Cubs. He\u2019s clutch and has a massive red beard \u2014 what else could you want in an infielder? Justin, please refer to the Terry Francona section. You\u2019re slashing .170\/.270\/.170 on the year. It\u2019s time, man. Go coach or something if you really want to stay around the game. Just preferably not for the Cubs.<\/p>\n Shortstop Dansby Swanson is hitting .236 with a 104 OPS+ on the season. Serviceable, no doubt. Still makes him the second-best athlete in his marriage<\/a>. That kid is going first overall in the 2043 draft (sport TBD).<\/p>\n Pitchers Worth Mentioning: Justin Steele, a slightly richer man\u2019s Logan Henderson<\/a> (you\u2019ll see), is out for the season due to a revision repair of his UCL. Steele annoys me for the same reason Paul George<\/a> does \u2014 he has a podcast<\/a>. I\u2019d like to think that if I were a professional pitcher, I would spend my time perfecting my craft and\/or rehabbing my UCL instead of \u201ctalking about how good of a pitcher<\/a>\u201d I am.<\/p>\n Shota Imanaga, also out (with a hamstring injury), has a career 2.89 ERA since coming over from Japan. I\u2019ve always been a fan of crafty Japanese lefties, so I have nothing bad to say about Imanaga. Chicago doesn\u2019t deserve you.<\/p>\n Matthew Boyd<\/a>, who has a great season out of nowhere every few years, looks to be doing it again (2.75 ERA). Boyd is their best healthy pitcher right now, so he\u2019d better keep pitching like this. Jameson Taillon beat ball cancer<\/a>, which sounds like an absolute nightmare. I can\u2019t bring myself to say anything bad about him. I will never truly understand the fortitude and perseverance that it takes not only to beat cancer, but to come back and pitch (well) in the majors.<\/p>\n Former Players Worth Mentioning: I wasn\u2019t going to put this in, but I got inspired by the Cardinals section.<\/p>\n Jesus Carmago, a reliever for the Cubs’ High-A affiliate back in 2021, got 14 years in federal prison after he was pulled over with 21 pounds (!!) of methamphetamine. <\/p>\n I don\u2019t know how many of you have seen Breaking Bad, but that\u2019s half as much meth as Walter White cooks in the famous desert RV scene<\/a> from the show. According to the show, that amount is worth a little under $350,000 (more in 2021). <\/p>\n Seriously, what is it with Cubs prospects and large-scale drug trafficking<\/a>? I guess Cubs minor leaguers<\/a> don\u2019t get paid enough<\/a> \u2014 props to Carmago for making ends meet, I guess?<\/p>\n Patrick Mahomes Sr.<\/a> pitched for Chicago in 2002. He\u2019s now on probation after a third DUI. I guess if you had to play in front of Cubs fans, you\u2019d become an alcoholic too. Maybe he\u2019s just still celebrating the fact that his son didn\u2019t end up going to a disaster franchise like the Bears. Eight years later. Poor Caleb Williams.<\/p>\n One more note on substance abuse \u2014 Cody Bellinger<\/a> left because the weed in Chicago is terrible. In his words, \u201cI am not high during the games, OK?<\/a>\u201d I\u2019d start smoking weed too if I had to deal with Cubs fans at half of my games.<\/p>\n The Cubbies traded World Series hero and franchise icon<\/a> Anthony Rizzo as soon as he started to decline. The mild-mannered Rizzo says it caused \u201ca little bit of anger,\u201d which for most people would constitute a full-on rage-fueled freakout. I don\u2019t even want to think about what \u201ca little bit of anger\u201d means for Addison Russell.<\/p>\n Speaking of Russell, this is a reminder that he\u2019s an abusive piece of sh*t<\/a>. The Cubs still kept him around until he stopped putting up 2 WAR seasons<\/a>. He was last seen getting beaned in the face<\/a> by former Brewer fan favorite Adrian Houser. Thank you, Adrian Houser. <\/p>\n You know who else is a piece of sh*t? The closer on that 2016 World Series team, Aroldis Chapman. Chapman didn\u2019t actually hit his wife<\/a>, as has been alleged. She wasn\u2019t even home when he shot up his own house<\/a> to intimidate her. Sounds like a super stable guy. The incident happened right before the Cubs traded for him, because of course it did.<\/p>\n Chicago traded former MVP and ticking time bomb<\/a> Kris Bryant instead of letting him gracefully retire as a Cubs legend. He was already declining<\/a>\/experiencing back issues as a Cub. Bryant hit .154 this season before going down with yet another injury with the 8-38 Rockies. The Cubs aren\u2019t even the team that got him paid \u2014 that was San Francisco. Stay classy, Chicago.<\/p>\n The Ballpark: Miller Park\/American Family Field South is one of the oldest, most famous sports stadiums in baseball. In the spirit of a true poverty franchise, Wrigley is known for being the last ballpark to install lights (lazy, cheap) and letting a bunch of ivy vines consume the outfield fence instead of paying some 16-year-old minimum wage to clean it up (lazy, cheap).<\/p>\n Depending on where you sit, you can pay $200-plus for the pleasure of having half the field blocked by a massive beam. Then, if you try to move, the usher will yell at you for sitting in the wrong section and make you go back to staring at the beam for nine innings. <\/p>\n Wrigley happens to be in one of the safest<\/a> parts of Chicago, where \u201ccarjackings and muggings happen (only) on occasion<\/a>.\u201d I\u2019ve lived in San Francisco, so I guess I can\u2019t really talk.<\/p>\n I do occasionally dream about the Polish hot dog with grilled onions from Wrigley\u2019s concession stand. Really, really good. If you have the disposable income, you can even wash it down with a 16-oz. Bud Light. Price? $13.99. <\/p>\n My favorite ballpark experience in Chicago was seeing Clayton Kershaw go eight shutout innings at whatever the White Sox are calling U.S. Cellular Field now. Thanks, Uncle Chris. If you\u2019re reading this, I still remember that game like it was yesterday. Super fun experience.<\/p>\n The Fans: Pope Leo XIV<\/a>, newly crowned as the first American pope, is from Chicago! He\u2019s a huge Cubs fan<\/a>. Wait, what was that? Oh, I guess he\u2019s not<\/a>. <\/p>\n Pope Leo wants to be very, very clear: he is a White Sox fan, despite what the Cubs’ social media account says.<\/p>\n Leo definitely can\u2019t go see a game at Wrigley now because he\u2019s admitted to being a Sox fan. I know he\u2019s the pope, but \u2014 to the average Cubs fan \u2014 he loses more points for supporting the Southsiders than he gains for serving as the highest authority in the Catholic Church. Odds are, at least one blackout drunk, belligerent Cubs fan would intentionally spill a drink<\/a> on him. Or assault him<\/a>.<\/p>\n I wonder why the Pope wouldn\u2019t want to be associated with Cubs fans? Maybe this<\/a>? Or this<\/a>? What about this<\/a>? <\/p>\n I could keep going, but you get the point. I don\u2019t need to beat a dead horse<\/a>. Can\u2019t confirm this guy (who literally beat up a horse) is a Cubs fan, but it wouldn\u2019t surprise me in the least. There\u2019s a reason ABC7 Chicago had to cover that story, despite the incident occurring in Florida (checks out). The average Cubs fan probably doesn\u2019t understand why you shouldn\u2019t beat up a horse.<\/p>\n Also, congrats on being the only franchise where your fans have cost<\/a> you a playoff game. Steve Bartman is a great example of the average Cubs fan because he\u2019d rather tell his buddies at the bar that he caught a foul ball than watch his team win a baseball game.<\/p>\n The City: When I was a kid, some of my relatives from Wisconsin moved down to Chicago (again, shoutout to Uncle Chris and Aunt Laura!). I\u2019ve visited a few times, stayed in various parts of the city, and have had a great time. It\u2019s actually a pretty great city. The architecture<\/a> is as impressive<\/a> as any American city, although I\u2019m also partial to Milwaukee\u2019s famed cream-colored bricks<\/a>. The food is great, the L sucks but is still one of the better public transit systems in America, and the big metal bean<\/a> in the Loop takes the prize for the most random and unique tourist attraction I\u2019ve ever seen (tied with the fire-breathing dragon statue in Krakow, Poland<\/a>). <\/p>\n I know I made a joke up there about the crime rate in Chicago, but honestly, the Chi-Raq stuff is way overblown. Anecdotally, I\u2019ve spent time on the South Side, and it definitely felt safer than when I lived in East Los Angeles. The North Side, especially the nicer parts, felt small-town safe in certain neighborhoods.<\/p>\n My problem with Chicago is that it doesn\u2019t really have anything Milwaukee doesn\u2019t (except for effective mass transit and deep-dish pizza). They have a beautiful Lake Michigan riverwalk, but so does Milwaukee. They\u2019re a city built by and defined by working-class immigrants, but so is Milwaukee. The brats in Milwaukee are better, the beer is better, and the cheese is better. Caramel and cheese popcorn is better when made with Wisconsin cheddar. Chicago has more nightlife, yes, and more people, but I\u2019d take Milwaukee\u2019s bar scene over Chicago\u2019s River North clubs or Wrigleyville bars any day. (Yes, I may be biased.) Milwaukee is also much, much further from Gary, Indiana, which I consider a major plus. <\/p>\n Chicago is basically a bigger, louder, smellier Milwaukee with a superiority complex and significantly more annoying sports fans. Fight me. You\u2019re a Cubs fan, you know you want to.<\/p>\n Next up: Milwaukee Brewers<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"*Please Note This Is Satire* I usually write serious articles. This is not one of them. Trash talk…\n","protected":false},"author":2,"featured_media":46273,"comment_status":"","ping_status":"","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"footnotes":""},"categories":[2401],"tags":[2229,5,3219,136,489,138,3220,161,181,9265,10218,843,59,4516,4280,4,4937,173,417],"class_list":{"0":"post-46272","1":"post","2":"type-post","3":"status-publish","4":"format-standard","5":"has-post-thumbnail","7":"category-milwaukee-brewers","8":"tag-ball","9":"tag-baseball","10":"tag-brew","11":"tag-brewers","12":"tag-central","13":"tag-chicago","14":"tag-crew","15":"tag-cubs","16":"tag-front-page","17":"tag-guide","18":"tag-haters","19":"tag-milwaukee","20":"tag-milwaukee-brewers","21":"tag-milwaukee-brewers-commentary-analysis","22":"tag-milwaukeebrewers","23":"tag-mlb","24":"tag-nl","25":"tag-the","26":"tag-to"},"share_on_mastodon":{"url":"https:\/\/channels.im\/@mlb\/114551689314500842","error":""},"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rawchili.com\/mlb\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46272","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rawchili.com\/mlb\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rawchili.com\/mlb\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rawchili.com\/mlb\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/2"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rawchili.com\/mlb\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=46272"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/www.rawchili.com\/mlb\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/46272\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rawchili.com\/mlb\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/46273"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/www.rawchili.com\/mlb\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=46272"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rawchili.com\/mlb\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=46272"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/www.rawchili.com\/mlb\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=46272"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}