The Great Tank Race, Vol. III: Post All-Star Break Blues

A letter written by the hand of General William Culvahouse Hardy, dated Wednesday, February 18, 2026, C.E.

This war is not what it used to be. The times have changed faster than anyone could have predicted, and suddenly, nothing feels familiar. I now hardly remember the taste of defeat. The comfort of pre-emptively waving the white flag. The release of screaming into the face of Private George. I gaze upon a stranger’s face in the reflection of the pools as I bathe and stiffen my lip; none wish to see a grown man cry, and certainly fewer wish to see tears on the face of their leader. The war has changed us all, and I can’t say all has been for the better.

The newest batch of recruits has changed everything. Such potent might may allow us to win battle after battle, but at the cost of the war. In response, our war room has employed many a strategem, some of which may have our nation under investigation for war crimes when this is all said and done. May God have mercy, whatever the end.

A letter written by the hand of Private Walker Ross Kessler, dated Wednesday, February 3, 2026, C.E.

My darling, I fear I may never see the sun rise upon your beautiful face once again. I became horribly injured on the battlefield, yet my commanding officer refuses to approve my leave. I wouldn’t approve your cowardice, even if you had Miss America waiting for you back home, he told me once. The irony is lost on him.

I see my closest friends placed on the front lines of our wars, even as the strongest and savviest fall back prematurely. Such tactics will have our nation under tremendous scrutiny, I have no doubt.

The Great Tank Race of 2026 was one of scandal. One of turmoil. And most importantly, one where the powers of the NBA enacted unthinkable legislation to punish the participants employing unforeseen, and incredibly drastic measures. They say all is fair in love and war, but when the former is lost, what is one to make of the latter?

In the camp of the Utah Jazz, wartime placed a considerable financial burden on the already weak economy of their relatively minuscule nation. A $500,000 fine for war crimes was punishment enough, but losing the respect of one’s neighbors was another. In those days, Utah had become synonymous with an oft-employed, but deeply disagreeable practice known as tanking. Though their execution was extreme, there was no doubt that the nation of Jazz was far from the only guilty party in this national struggle.

Friendless and desperate to find a stable foothold, Utah held its ground in the face of opposition.

NBA Tanking Standings: Post All-Star Weekend1- (+2) Sacramento Kings (12-44)

Kings.

2- (+2) Washington Wizards (14-39) -3.5 GB

We have an entirely new hierarchy in the Tank Race, and the Washington Wizards have officially returned to their rightful place as equal statistical partners for the number one pick. It’s all about ping pong balls, and in the race for plastic, the Wizards now have a 14.0% chance of picking first overall. Trading for and immediately deactivating Anthony Davis was a brilliant move for a team that feels no pressure to compete for a spot in the Play-In. The same can be said about Trae Young, who is still “being evaluated”. Something tells me the next evaluation won’t be good news for those itching to see Young take the floor for the first time as a Wizard.

It’s worth noting that Washington finished last season in this exact position, just behind the league-worst (but tank-best!) Utah Jazz, and still managed to tumble all the way down to the sixth pick. As good as Tre Johnson is, he is not Cooper Flagg, and the same could be said about the disparity between picks 1-4 and picks 5-10 this season.

3- (-1) New Orleans Pelicans (15-41) -3.0 GB

Nobody is a bigger fan of the New Orleans Pelicans than the Atlanta Hawks this season. Sure, trading to grab Derik Queen in the late lottery was a stroke of genius in the short term, but this team is still 14.0% stakeh0lders in odds for the number one pick, and they don’t have the rights to their own draft pick.

Look, I love me a Baby Jokic (Jokic lite? Diet Joke?) as much as the next guy, but if I’m Atlanta, I am far more excited about the prospects of drafting a player in the top three with a draft class as loaded at the top as this one. There are three legitimate number-one caliber players this season, and for Hawks fans in attendance, I don’t mean another Zaccharie Risacher.

4- (-3) Indiana Pacers (15-40) -3.5 GB

Aaaaaaaaave Mariiiiiiiiiiiiiiaaaa

For a while there, it seemed as if Indiana would run away with the tanking crown. They had won just six games at our second check-in and sat comfortably at the head of the tank.

Yet, they stumbled. In slow motion and with an agonizing amount of time to marinate in one’s own demise, the Pacers shunned the perfect strategy for installing complementary talent around the injured Tyrese Haliburton, and have begun to fall down the stairs to the tanking pantheon. They have a record of 9-9 since the previous volume of The Great Tank Race, and that could prove fatal on lottery night. Our tank commanders have been stripped of their valor, and I can hardly look.

Then again, the lottery is probably staged anyway, so who knows if they’ll find their way back to the number one pick in one way or another.

5- (+0) Brooklyn Nets (15-38) -4.5 GB

So, the Brooklyn Nets managed to pick five first-rounders last season, betting on playmaking and positional versatility, and that somehow managed to pan out in a remarkably satisfying way for Nets fans. Egor Demin is freaking awesome, Danny Wolf and Drake Powell are quickly becoming icons, Nolan Traore has been electric since Thomas parted ways with the team, and Ben Saraf is… eh. They drafted five rookies in the first round. They can’t all be winners.

Cam Thomas, the Wicked Witch of the Nets, is officially out of the picture and down the barrel of Giannis’ longing gaze, and the young and free Nets are free to frolic as they please.

6- (+0) Utah Jazz (18-38) -6.0 GB

The acquisition of Jaren Jackson Jr has made the Utah Jazz too good to tank, and everybody knows it. They have a winning record with JJJ on their roster, and not even locking him out of the fourth quarter could keep the wave of good vibes from washing up W’s.

Not to be insensitive, but finding a tumor in JJJ’s knee may have been the best-case scenario for the Jazz, who desperately don’t want to win their way lower than the ninth pick, conveying their first-round pick to (you guessed it) Oklahoma City, and striking out on one of the most apparently stacked draft classes ever. The tumor is benign, but Jackson will be on injured reserve for the remainder of the season.

This team will be dangerous and competitive in 2026-27, but the top priority is retaining this year’s pick. Now the question becomes, how does Utah keep Lauri Markkanen from wringing more wins out of the surging Jazz?

7- (+2) Dallas Mavericks (19-35) -8.0 GB

Here comes Dallas, barreling down the tanking trail. The Mavs have won zero games in their last nine attempts, and have clearly shifted gears after winning four straight prior to that nine-game skid. Cooper Flagg is everything that Dallas could have hoped he’d become (but then again, so was Luka Doncic), yet the Mavericks are staying on target, determined not to fall out of contention.

And they’re doing a scary good job.

8- (N/A) Memphis Grizzlies (20-33)

The scenes in the Memphis front office must have been very reminiscent of Michael Scott sharing the news that their branch would soon be downsized. It’s over, they declared in unison. We are screwed.

Clearly, having hit their ceiling with Morant, JJJ, and Bane, Memphis had nowhere to go. Burning the remains of a lost civilization was all Memphis could do, so that’s exactly what they’ve done. They’re holding a fire sale, and everything must go.

We’ll wish the departed Jazzmen luck in their professional careers — specifically Clayton and Hendricks, whom we hope pan out into great players. In the meantime, Memphis is going to be very bad before they can become any good.

Calvin Barrett is a writer, editor, and prolific Mario Kart racer located in Tokyo, Japan. He has covered the NBA and College Sports since 2024.

The Great Tank Race, Vol. III: Post All-Star Break Blues

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