An alliterative attempt to assuage anxieties at approaching athletic arbitrations.

It is, I am told, almost March.

That season is, to many degenerates—including many of you here!—zero hour. Hither comes bracket season. Yon goeth the bottom feeders.

…or the NCAA Tournament. Whatever.

We’ve got bracketology updates—not because, as a Northwestern fan, I’m super jazzed about college basketball at the moment, but because I’m contractually obligated to do something here and I’m fairly sure other contractually obligated writers have “lost” my number. (Just remember, guys: when the postman cometh, they cometh for thee.)

NIT more your speed? We always endorse the work over at The Barking Crow. Get prepped for 2026 silly season with their 26 thoughts on the ’26 NIT. And, to quote them on The Crown…

The Crown is down to eight teams: Two apiece from the Big East, Big 12, and Big Ten, and two wildcards. It sucks that it still exists, but after a year of near-zero attendance and terrible ratings (they put Nebraska on network television on a Sunday afternoon and couldn’t even get a million people to watch), the writing’s on the wall. America doesn’t like crowns, guys.

I’m sure it’ll be a great time, Ohio State and USC.

Big Ten Bracketology Roundup

Some really cool new work there from a guy calling himself The Glass Jaw, feel free to check out that seed list and link for some good bracketology discussion as well.

Bear in mind that I still don’t know the difference between Wilhelm Breidenbach and Hannes Steinbach, so your mileage may vary here.

Will they BOOM or BUST in March? THESE ARE THE QUESTIONS WE ANSWER.

Or, I guess, this is the question—singular—we answer. Whatever.

As in I hope they explode, mostly. But also since, a loss to Duke notwithstanding, the Wolverines have looked all but invincible, I’d still feel pretty good about them come March.

Does Underwood have the rotation to go the distance in March? I HAVE DOUBTS, given that this team can’t even hang onto double-digits at UCLA.

I mean, as long as “Elite 8” counts as a BOOM in your book. I will not be bothering to learn anything additional about Purdue, who I assume still has a giraffe at center—because there’s nothing in the rulebook against it—and a frustratingly-white (yes, that hyphen is in the right spot) point guard whose feet going FLYING out from under him on every three-point attempt.

Also, I’d give Merrimack an upset sniff—Warriors take the air outta the ball, just need a hot shooting day.

YES I’M GATEKEEPING—WIN A GAME IN THE TOURNAMENT AND WE CAN TALK, ROOKIES

(but seriously Nebraska looks good, Sweet 16 or bust)

I dunno. This was a mistake.

I do not want a wisconsin-Miami (OH) matchup in the first round. Are the RedHawks likely mid-major frauds? PROBABLY! But do I wish to see fucking wisconsin be the team to end that dream? HELL NO. Stack the badgers in some 7-10 or 8-9 hellscape and leave them to get one little win to make Greg Gard feel better. Thank you for your attention to this matter! —MNW

Mick Cronin has apologized for his self-ejection of Steven Jamerson II.

JOHN WOODEN WOULDN’T HAVE APOLOGIZED; FIRE MICK. FIRST-ROUND EXIT INCOMING.

As long as Iowa fans are intellectually honest with themselves that they are hypocrites if they bitched about teams like wisconsin playing slow, ugly basketball and have turned around to celebrate this sham season? Fine. Enjoy it. You’ll probably make the Sweet 16 and we’ll laaaaaugh and laugh about the McCaffery years.

The Buckeyes close with @Iowa, vs Purdue, @Penn State, vs Indiana. They’re firmly on the bubble as it is, meaning they need to beat Indiana and Penn State to stay in the conversation.

I don’t think they do it. Enjoy The Crown, suckers!

Three straight home games for the Hoosiers down the stretch? CONFERENCE IS RIGGED, MAN.

Northwestern, Michigan State, and Minnesota come to Bloomington before the candystripes head to Columbus for a closing date with Brutus. Torvik’s got this one right—the Hoosiers are better than the Buckeyes, and while they don’t have any marquee non-con wins (it’s not their fault Marquette and K-State turned into total ass), the home win over Purdue vaults them into the conversation. BOOM into Dayton, Buffalobros!

@UCLA, vs Nebraska, @Washington, vs UCLA—you’ve gotta win three there, and I won’t trust a team that just lost to Oregon, took a 100-burger from Illinois, barely beat Rutgers and Penn State, and lost to Northwestern at home. THE CROWN IT IS.

You tell me: BOOM or BUST for those teams? Who makes the deep run in March? Or April, I don’t know how long these things go anymore.

Washington Huskies at Rutgers Scarlet Knights
5:30pm | BTN | UW -4.5 | O/U 140.5

Gross. If you watch this, seek help.

Northwestern Wildcats at Indiana Hoosiers
6pm | FS1 | Indiana -8.5 | O/U 145.5

I…I don’t hate the matchup? Indiana shouldn’t be able to pound Northwestern’s relative lack of depth the way other teams do, but they’re able to move the ball and set up shots in a way that will trouble the Wildcats’ green defenders.

Minnesota Golden Gophers at #3 Michigan Wolverines
7:30pm | BTN | Mich -22.5 | O/U 145

Sorry, Minnesota, but they’re angry. And also I’m pretty sure you have about five players left who can play in a Big Ten basketball game.

USC Trojans at UCLA Bruins
10pm | FS1 | UCLA -7.5 | O/U 150.5

This is a Big Ten basketball game!

(It’s also one with stakes. And possibly competing colors? Do they do that in hoops, too? Anyway, should be fun for night owls with a free 12-pack of Summit Schwarzbier sitting in their basement. Y’know, allegedly.)

Maryland Terrapins at #12 Nebraska Cornhuskers
6pm | BTN

Ohio State Buckeyes at Iowa Hawkeyes
8pm | BTN

wisconsin badgers at Oregon Ducks
10pm | BTN

#13 Michigan State Spartans at #8 Purdue Boilermakers
7pm | Le Coq

If that’s your kink, I guess.

Here’s a hoops thread for the week. Do with it what you will.