This article is entirely satirical. All information and interviews below are fictional and for entertainment purposes only.
A story as old as time, the New Orleans Pelicans can’t figure it out. After yet another losing season, the Pelicans currently sit at 25-51 and have already fired head coach Willie Green back in November.
Enough is enough, and the organization has finally commissioned an internal investigation into what is holding this franchise back. The findings were damning, and perhaps obvious: it’s the beautiful city of New Orleans.
Widely regarded as the greatest party destination in America, NOLA has proven to be a near-impossible environment for professional athletes trying to maintain peak conditioning. Bourbon Street doesn’t close. The food is too good. Jazz Fest exists. The beignets alone may have cost this franchise three trips to the playoffs.
The report highlights a brutal reality: when your team plays 41 home games per year in a city with no last call, the results will speak for themselves.
There is, however, one shining exception: Dejounte Murray.
The Pelicans’ star guard has been famously outspoken about his lifestyle, stating plainly: “I don’t party, I don’t drink, I don’t smoke. I know what I want.” Murray is currently rehabbing a torn Achilles — an injury that, sources confirm, was not sustained at the Bywater.
The front office has reportedly taken notice, and going forward, General Manager David Griffin is expected to implement a strict straight-edge recruitment policy, targeting only players who demonstrate Murray-level commitment to staying in on a Tuesday night.
Players at the top of the do-not-call list include James Harden, who has literally been photographed with every rapper in every nightclub. Anthony Edwards, who already has three baby mamas and does not need to meet a fourth on Bourbon Street. And Ja Morant, for obvious reasons.
Targeted recruits include Duncan Robinson, who spends his evenings doing podcasts in a dark room. Nikola Jokic, who would rather be with his horses in Serbia than anywhere near Bourbon Street, and Rudy Gobert, who has never once been seen after 9 p.m.
The plan faces one significant obstacle: convincing straight-edge players to move to New Orleans in the first place.