This story was originally published on Defector, an independent employee-owned media company and another of Drew’s employers. Subscribe at Defector.
Some people are fans of the San Francisco 49ers. But many, many more people are NOT fans of the San Francisco 49ers. This 2026 Defector NFL team preview is for those in the latter group. Read all the previews so far at Defector.
Your team: San Francisco 49ers.
Article continues below this ad
Your 2025 record: 12-5. You wanna get to the part about the owner being too horny for the law, so I’ll blow through this section as fast as is responsible. The 2025 49ers were a shining example of how a football team can prosper in the face of adversity. And by “adversity,” I mean half its roster tearing a ACL, its highest paid receiver contracting whatever mental illness Kanye West has, and prolonged exposure to Mac Jones. I’d award the Niners some sort of medal for their fortitude, but they got rinsed by Seattle in the divisional round so f—k that.
San Francisco’s first loss of 2025 occurred against Jacksonville, after which then-defensive coordinator Robert Saleh and Jags head coach Liam Coen got extra spicy with one another at midfield after the final whistle, in the familiar “these guys are just competitors” kind of way. The Niners also got waxed by Tampa Bay during one of Baker Mayfield’s brief dalliances with MVP-level level quarterbacking, as shown in this highlight. Great coverage on that play.
The LA Rams avenged an early OT loss to the Niners by beating the unholy s—t out of them in Santa Clara. Then Seattle beat them in their house in the final week of the season to clinch the top seed in the NFC. HOWEVER, the Niners still managed to bravely qualify for the playoffs despite all of that, and despite the following injuries:
Article continues below this ad
EDGE Nick Bosa: Torn ACL (his racism tendon thankfully remains healthy and intact)
LB Fred Warner: Dislocated and broken ankle
Rookie DE Mykel Williams: Torn ACL
WR Ricky Pearsall: Something about a PCL (he’s already out for all of this coming season)
WR Brandon Aiyuk: Nasty case of the insanes
QB Brock Purdy: Turf toe
RB Christian McCaffrey: Brutally murdered in a standoff with local police (NOTE: This did not happen)
Tight end George Kittle would tear his Achilles in a wild card victory over Philadelphia, thus completing the (leg) sweep. And while it was thrilling to watch the 49ers’ remaining skeleton crew beat Philly on the road, the Niners only won that game because the Eagles are catty meatheads who live for the drama. A trip to Seattle in the divisional round set things in their proper order, and from the opening kickoff.
San Francisco never threatened after that. If they had, they probably would have slipped on a banana peel and impaled themselves on a sprinkler head. The Seahawks would go on to win the Super Bowl a month later, in the Niners’ home stadium.
Got all that? Good, now let’s get to the asshole parade.
Article continues below this ad
Your coach: Kyle Shanahan. You know how football coaches will sometimes run wind sprints with players so that they can be like, “You see? I’m willing to suffer just like you guys!” Well, Kyle did those coaches one better this summer when he was like, “I always subject my players to catastrophic injuries, so it’s only fair that I horribly maim myself!” Shanny’s chosen method of hurticide was to wreck the unholy s—t out of his Tesla. This act of solidarity netted the coach a concussion, several broken ribs, a broken nose, a broken hand, a busted eye, and an unfortunate mustache. This is the one time in history when it would have been safer to have Aldon Smith behind the wheel.
How on earth did Kyle crash his car so bad? Well, turns out he’d put the ol’ girl on autopilot mode so he that could check his phone, at which point his Model Firestarter X crossed into the adjacent lane and bashed into another car.
“I’ve had autopilot for nine years, so I’m pretty comfortable with it and, you know, who knows what happened when I turned around? Whether it malfunctioned or whether I knocked it off? That’s something I don’t know yet,” he said.
YOU’RE NOT SUPPOSED TO LET THE CAR DRIVE FOR YOU, YOU F—KING IDIOT. Yes, who knows what happened when you deliberately stopped looking where your car was going? What were you supposed to do, NOT check your phone while driving? What is this, Soviet Russia?
Article continues below this ad
I drove by the crash site in question last week. No lie. I was there in person. The intersection of Alma and Hamilton in Palo Alto is block away from an awkward, very dangerous interchange with University Avenue. It’s a hairy bit of driving even when your eyes are fixed on the road, but this perennial dickhead was like, “Ooh, this is the perfect spot for me to check all the Flock cameras I had mounted outside every player’s house!” And the cops let Kyle walk! And the press sat on the story for nearly two weeks! And yet this man has the gall — the pure, unmitigated GALL — to publicly say “my bad” after news of the crash finally broke? Man f—k you, Kyle. You’re no stand-up guy. You’re a “sit in your Elonmobile and let it plow into a 21-year-old woman who was just trying to make a food run” guy. F—k you and your s—tty car.
Saleh left this coaching staff to go be fired by the Titans in two years. Your new DC is former tragic Falcons decision Raheem Morris. Your new offensive coordinator is one of the Kubiaks. And guess who else joined the staff this offseason?
Matt Eberflus of the San Francisco 49ers NFL football team in 2026.
AP Photo
Maybe that car wreck really did leave Kyle blind.
Article continues below this ad
Your quarterback: Brock Purdy, who is very good but is absolutely not built for this s—t. Purdy has missed time every season, and not merely because he plays for the injury factory. With an aging roster around him — not to mention a corps of pass-catchers who continually step in bear traps on their way to take a piss — Purdy now has to shoulder much more of the Niners’ offensive load than he did back when he was a charming Mr. Irrelevant story. That Brock Purdy was a wee little sweetcheeks who captivated hearts all across the nation right up to the second his elbow snapped like a chopstick in the NFC title game. That’s why the Niners kept reasonable Purdy facsimile Mac Jones as their QB2 for this season instead of entertaining lucrative trade offers for the pending free agent (NOTE: No one was gonna trade anything valuable for Mac f—king Jones).
What’s new that sucks: [dominatrix voice] Who’s been a bad little boy?
Yes, when you’re a millionaire many times over and your marriage is falling apart, there’s nothing more relaxing than hitting up an Ohio trailer park to buy a cheap nut. But UH OH, JED YORK! Turns out that classified ad you saw promising a magical $140 romp with a lady of the night was an op!
Article continues below this ad
“In a 2024 story on the task force, the Ohio AG’s office spotlighted detective Dan Haueter’s work using online ads in prostitution stings: ‘Catching rats and other vermin starts with using the right bait, and when Det. Haueter sets the trap, they come scurrying.'”
www.sfgate.com/49ers/articl…
— Grant Marek (@grantmarek.bsky.social) August 25, 2026 at 12:31 PM
As you can see, law enforcement in Ohio really has its priorities straight. Do I wish that state would focus its law enforcement resources on mass gun violence, hate crimes, corporate malfeasance, and other, much more pressing issues? Yes. Am I glad they chose to humiliate an NFL owner instead? Also yes. The bodycam video of York’s arrest is worth watching if only to see what York was wearing while on his way to get some. World’s ugliest Yankees T-shirt? Jogging shorts? White ankle socks and sneakers? (fans self) WHOA HEY I’M GETTING A LITTLE BIT RANDY HERE. This is what my wife orders me to wear to bed on our special date nights.
Anyway, it’s morbidly amusing that NFL owners can get away with all manner of f—kery while they’re chilling in the white-collar sector, only to have the human trafficking panic come for them the second they make a side visit to Poortown for a little bit of sin. As with Robert Kraft, York has tried to bury as much evidence of his encounter as possible. And, like Kraft, he’ll probably be suspended from the team raw bar for a period of no less than six hours. After that, he’ll be a free, and definitely repentant, man. All rich men love personal growth!
I suppose I should get to the on-the-field stuff regarding this team, so here you go: The Niners’ roster is already pre-deceased. Bosa likely won’t be back for Week 1. Kittle has been activated from the PUP list despite rupturing his Achilles less than eight months ago. Free agent addition WR Mike Evans, who missed most of last season in Tampa Bay with a busted collarbone, is already nursing a bum quad. Mykel Williams is on the PUP list. McCaffrey, already perched on the rim of the age cliff, was held out of camp practices because of “soreness,” maybe because Kyle accidentally ran him over while scrolling Insta at 75 mph. The team’s biggest offseason addition, DT Osa Odighizuwa, had to get his elbow surgically cleaned out in January. Everyone is banged up, and we haven’t even played any real football yet. I think we all know what’s going on here. That’s right: It was the electrical substation, in the Study, with the Lead Pipe. Only viable explanation for why this team can’t stop murdering its own.
Article continues below this ad
The good news is that rookie WR De’Zhaun Stribling is only kinda sorta hurt. Even better, he’s been getting raves in training camp. Now, we all know that if you’re gassing up rookies in camp, it’s only because you’re f—ked if (when, really) they end up playing like rookies. But have you considered that the powerful substation gamma rays bombarding the 49ers’ practice facility could actually be giving players like Stribling Spider-Man powers? Grok tells me it’s not out of the question, and when has an Elon Musk product ever failed me?
More good news: WR Deebo Samuel is back, as is fan favorite LB Dre Greenlaw. Because when Kyle ran back the all-22 from 2025, he said to himself, “This team needs to get even older and more busted.” HEY PRESTO! You’re looking at a potential (2019) juggernaut. Will this team still be able to squeeze 10 wins from a stone? Probably. Will it amount to anything? AHAHAHAHA no. Come on. Don’t be one of those chemtrails people.
Jed York moved back to Ohio because he’s mad about California’s new wealth tax. If you think that living in Ohio is worth that much, you don’t deserve to be in charge of a lemonade stand, much less a professional football team.
Jauan Jennings left in free agency. They still don’t have a viable left guard on the roster. Al Guido looks like Big Dom’s prosperous brother-in-law.
Article continues below this ad
What has always sucked: I’m done acknowledging Kyle as one of the best coaches in the NFL, and the NFL media should be, too. They’re always like, “Oh, [generic new head coach somewhere] is from the Kyle Shanahan tree! Kyle is the best play-caller in the sport! He can take his’n and beat your’n!” Meanwhile, the guy is out there blowing playoff games, bugging every inch of team headquarters, and letting Cyberjesus take the wheel every time he gets a push alert. And for what? Jerry Jones has won a Super Bowl more recently than you guys, that’s how distant the 49ers’ glory years are. And you’re not getting anywhere near them again so long as your owner is looking for love in Youngstown and your head coach has hurt more people than Uday Hussein ever did. Accept your forthcoming mediocrity and f—k off out of my sight.
What might not suck: San Francisco is still one of the best cities on the planet. I hope it gets itself an NFL team one day.
HEAR IT FROM NINERS FANS!
Article continues below this ad
Chris:
I was five when the 49ers won their last Super Bowl and have no memory of it.
Valenzuela:
Our biggest rival is an electrical substation.
Jim:
Waking today and seeing Jed York’s mugshot is the happiest this team has made me feel in over 10 years.
Tom:
Kyle Shanahan getting into a horrific car accident because he opted to drive a vehicle that doesn’t need his help to get from point A to point B also perfectly sums up his coaching career.
Article continues below this ad
Ty:
Their best WR is having a mental breakdown, Bosa probably injected ivermectin to fix his knee, Seattle is going to destroy us again, and Shanny always wears the dumbest hat he can find all season long. We’re f—ked.
Katie:
Why is everything so weird, man? Why was our coach in a shady, mysterious car accident? Why are 20 players already on the IR, when we haven’t even started playing preseason? Why is half the roster 400 years old? Why is Deebo back (HI DEEBO WE MISSED YOU!)? What is even going on with Brandon Aiyuk and can someone get that dude some help? Did someone hire an Etsy witch? Fess up, Dallas. We know it was you.
The vibes are rancid and the hum and rattle of the transformer station conspiracy theories are seeping into the brainpans of our already-challenged fanbase. It’s gonna be a long f—king season.
Jeff:
We should have drafted competent doctors and physical therapists.
Article continues below this ad
CMR:
This team’s window is sealed tighter than a malfunctioning Cybertruck’s. I hate Nick Bosa more than San Franciscans hate the homeless.
Steven:
In the last 15 years, we have led in the 4th quarter of three Super Bowls, and four additional NFC championship games. All we have to show for it is having to wait longer to hear Drew tell us why we suck every August.
Jay:
I wish Nick Bosa had been riding that scooter instead of Harrison Bader.
Abe:
Shanahan still hasn’t learned to coach when it matters or drive a car like a normal human being. I want a Waymo to run me over so that I don’t have to watch this team anymore.
Article continues below this ad
James:
Nick Bosa is a linchpin of our Super Bowl chances and I’m worried this f—king guy might spell linchpin with a y.
Morgan:
There is a zero-percent chance Christian McCaffrey will make it through the season and who knows if Mike Evans will have hamstrings once the substation fields get to them.
Gordon:
I often think about what this team’s accomplishments could be if everyone involved with running it didn’t have their heads so firmly entrenched up their own asses.
Todd:
I’ve always hated the “Faithful” horses—t. What is it I have faith in, exactly? That by Week 5, all 11 starters will be third and fourth stringers, because the rest of the depth chart met in secret and conspired to all shred their ACLs on the same day? That in the years the team somehow doesn’t collectively fall into a pit full of rusty spikes, Shanny will pull one of his patented 4th-quarter nut-shrivels and piss away a 15-point Super Bowl lead to Patrick Mahomes? That Nick Bosa will show up to every post-game presser in camo and a gaiter, ready to moonlight as an honorary ICE agent?
Article continues below this ad
Now add to that the fact that the world’s largest microwave oven is pointed straight at the practice field, slowly cooking everybody’s insides to the consistency of cat meat, and our coach has such a severe TBI that James Taylor sounds like Metallica, and attempting to hold two ideas in his brain at one time makes his head spin like Regan in “The Exorcist.” And you can’t even feel sorry for the poor bastard, because it’s his own damn fault for driving like a teenager with a Snapchat addiction.
Also, our fans are a f—king embarrassment. No fans are worse than those in Philly, Dallas, and Boston, but somehow we have crawled right down into the sewer with them. The rare times I venture among them online, I find it so humiliating I feel like Cersei on her walk of shame through King’s Landing. Sorry, JimmyBangBang81 from Redwood City, Brock isn’t elite and he never will be. Shouting ALL-CAPS at Steven Ruiz on Twitter will not make it so. Please just shut the f—k up already.
Patrick:
They share a division with the defending champs and the most feared defensive line in the last 25-30 years. Brock Purdy is about to follow in the tradition of another 49ers legend, Alex Smith, when he has his leg amputated on-field.
But at least they beat the Eagles.
Article continues below this ad
David:
We’ve reached the stage of the constant injuries to this team where Bill Simmons is bringing up the substation conspiracy and is very close to fully buying into it. Well done, dips—ts.
Colin:
There’s nothing more on-brand for a Bay Area team than claiming that electromagnetic signals lead to injuries. When he’s finally tossed out of office, RFK Jr. is gonna get hired as the 49ers health director and cover Brock Purdy in amethyst and animal fat.
Greg:
Jesus Christ, “The Walking Dead” had more able-bodied humans at this point.
Josh:
In less than two weeks my outlook has gone from winning one or two playoff games to, “Gee, I sure hope everyone ends the season with the same number of eyes they started with.”
Article continues below this ad
Tim:
A team that is old, got ravaged by injuries last year, and somehow had an offense carried by a running back whose career mileage equivalent is the first Model T ever built unironically signed past-his-prime Mike Evans to be WR1 as the salve to their offensive woes.
This front office has officially run out of ideas just like their grifting Silicon Valley neighbors.
Travis:
Brock Purdy will be toe tagged and body bagged because John Lynch drafts like the asshole in a fantasy football league that drafts a kicker in the 7th round and quits paying attention right after the draft is over. Our training staff might as well be a bunch of TB12 rejects. Raheem Morris is our new DC, and at least if he sucks at that he might be able to remind Kyle that we don’t have to keep Christian McCaffrey in blowout games with seven minutes left in the fourth quarter.
Patrick:
Can’t wait to hear the conspiracy theorists explain how the substation is to blame for Kyle Shanahan’s car accident. I hate this team.
Article continues below this ad
Sterling:
When I was checking my luggage for a 7 a.m. flight in Portland last April, an Alaska attendant saw my Niners luggage tag and started talking s—t about how the Seahawks not only won the Super Bowl but did it in my team’s stadium. This, while insulting, still didn’t hurt nearly as much as the other Shanahan-led Greatest Hits, including “Purdy’s Arm Exploded and There’s No More QBs,” “Greenlaw’s Achilles Died at the Super Bowl,” “Tartt Dropped a Game-Sealing Pick,” and “The Fourth Quarter of Super Bowl LIV.”
I’m reaching the age where “I was alive for all of their Lombardis” is no longer a comeback, but a confession that I’m closer to being a candidate for the shingles vaccine than to Super Bowl XXIX.
Jose:
It bears repeating that Levi’s Stadium is well beyond the boundaries of San Francisco proper. I am reminded of this during every 49ers telecast when the Skycam hovers over the defunct Six Flags that’s closing soon and parcels of office buildings that are 30%vacant.
Article continues below this ad
Jeremy:
This has been a trying year. I had a dangerous mental breakdown in February due to workplace abuse from a co-worker, and it landed me in a hospital for intensive group therapy. In between sessions, the group therapist tried to keep it light by letting us get to know one another. One person mentioned they were a big NFL fan, and so the therapist asked us to go around and name something we loved about our favorite NFL team. It got to me and I couldn’t think of anything. It was 20 seconds of awkward silence and finally the therapist prodded with, “Well tell us who your favorite team is.” It was then I had to say I was a 49ers fan. Without even thinking, my therapist blurted out, “Well, I can see why you are here.” He was apologetic immediately, but honestly I think it was shock therapy, because f—k me here I am thinking this might be the year Kyle Shanahan gets us over the finish line.
Want to be part of Defector’s NFL previews? It’s simple: just email us at wyts@defector.com and tell us why your team sucks. Next up: Houston Texans.