Editor’s note: The following is a satirical article for The DisreGuardian, a series of articles published annually for The Guardian’s April Fool’s issue. Sports will resume publishing normal content next week.
Just before the start of the 2026 NFL season, the Baltimore Ravens pulled out of a blockbuster trade that would have netted them Las Vegas Raiders superstar edge rusher Maxx Crosby. Since he was drafted in 2019, Crosby has emerged as one of the best players in the league, with every NFL team working to land him in a trade. Ravens general manager Eric DeCosta won the race for Crosby in exchange for two first-round picks. Before the trade could go through, however, DeCosta showed his true colors as an ungrateful, dishonest man who’s running scared.
The original terms of the deal were a straight swap of two first-round picks for Crosby, but DeCosta felt his team wasn’t getting enough out of the trade. So, he added in the stipulation that Raiders owner Mark Davis would have to get rid of his bowl cut.
“My eyes bleed every time I’m forced to see that man’s haircut on TV,” DeCosta said in a recent interview with famed podcaster and former Raiders quarterback Derek Carr. “I would’ve added 10 more first-round picks if it meant I could personally cut his hair.”
Raiders general manager John Spytek did not take this lying down. In exchange for the haircut, Spytek added the condition that DeCosta would have to “teach [him] how to dougie” in the middle of the Las Vegas Strip as a public humiliation ritual. DeCosta agreed to the terms, and the trade seemed like it would go through. Crosby had already landed in Baltimore, and Davis had already shaved off all his hair.
Everything was going according to plan — until DeCosta arrived in Las Vegas to hold up his end of the bargain. Before even leaving the Las Vegas airport, DeCosta called the Raiders’ front office to report that he couldn’t perform for the people of Las Vegas because he supposedly tore his meniscus while running to catch his flight. Davis saw through the obvious lie, but there was nothing he could do because the NFL’s rules allowed DeCosta to pull his slimy move and back out of the trade.
“Eric’s not even trying to be believable,” Davis was heard complaining to random pedestrians on the Strip. “That slimeball just posted a video of himself playing basketball for everyone on the internet to see, but sure, he has a knee problem. The guy just got cold feet, and I’m left with nothing but my clipper in my hand.”
In a video posted yesterday to the official Raiders Instagram account, a now-bald Davis left an ominous message for Ravens fans, screaming, “Eric DeCosta, nay, the entire Ravens organization, will pay!”
The fallout from this failed trade will be interesting to watch in the coming weeks, but one question remains: Did DeCosta just get cold feet, or is it actually possible that the man has wack knees?