Like most of you, I really enjoy reading the daily content on silversevensens (I certainly hope the person reading this likes our site. Why would you come to our concert just to boo us?). Even after writing here at Silver Seven for over six years, I still visit the site every day as a reader. No matter how badly the Ottawa Senators fare as a team, I still enjoy sharing in this collective community exercise of thought. Above all else, I love the satire. I love that we can all collectively acknowledge the absurdity of watching professional hockey and the even greater absurdity of investing genuine emotion into something so trivial. And while a lot of people at this site write a lot of funny things, I think most of us will agree that one particular staff member has the satire down to a science that people like me can only dream of emulating. Case and point, Beata’s longform this week regarding the Ottawa Charge.
Beata’s posts always make me laugh just a little bit louder and if anything, the bleaker things get in Ottawa, the funnier her shitposting becomes. When I look back at 30-plus years of NHL hockey with no championships in Ottawa (and one lonely trip to the finals) I can find solace in the narratives of those years. Even in the darkest of the Melnyk dark ages, we got some absolute dynamite comedy. I feel fairly confident that if I played back a random Sens podcast from January 2016 right now then I would laugh out loud and maybe even harder than I did ten years ago. The creators of content have spoiled this fanbase. Also as a testament to how absurdly well my esteemed colleague writes, Beata also puts out some of the best dead serious content in online hockey coverage (period) and while I do want to focus on the satire today, you should read all of her serious articles too.
So, while the Senators engage in their annual trip to California, let’s revisit five of my favourite articles that in my opinion no one outside of eastern Canada could have really forged (and that no one could have executed with the same insight and wit).
I have referred to this one in our group chat as Beata’s Pulitzer prize-winner and I couldn’t possibly start anywhere else. I can think of dozens of reasons why I find this article funny but above all else I love that this article still makes me laugh (maybe even moreso) because Dougie Hamilton obviously never signed in Ottawa. The small details like “official pitch,” the endearing tone, the museum details all make this article hilarious. I still think my favourite part will always be: ” In fact, Sens players don’t even go to Moxie’s; here in Ottawa, we have another option for team dinners, and that restaurant is run by a former player who understands the value of staying at home.” It makes me so mad how funny that quote is.
I think this one hits me extra hard because of how much I loved writing about Pierre Dorion and how much I’ve struggled creatively since the Senators started operating like a normal sports franchise. In terms of the actual funniness of this post, the lead image alone could carry it. Beata could have written literally nothing and we all would have gotten the gist. Of the memes in that image I can’t even narrow down a top-five. Pierre is living, breathing comedy. Low character guy ranked 24th! Come on. That would be top-three with any other GM. Anyway, I snort audibly every time I get to: “I wonder if Dorion is a “build-your-own-pasta” kind of guy, and if he asked the staff for a toy at the end of his meal.”
How transcendent would I consider Beata’s posts in the context of Ottawa Senators hockey? Put it this way, if Brady Tkachuk ever intentionally, and demonstratively scores a goal between his legs, no one will be thinking about Brady Tkachuk. We’ll all laugh specifically because of this bit. Some bits just have legs like that (pun intended). This article captures not only Beata’s comic genius but also the amount of research that goes into a really good joke. Funny people don’t get enough credit for how much homework they do to hone their craft. This article has a hefty amount of legitimate hockey knowledge to go along with how absurdly funny the whole concept remains. I personally enjoy “He succeeded on 0 of those attempts. We’re approaching “statistically, one of those shots should have gone in by now” territory.”
I will acknowledge some recency bias here but this one captures Beata’s style as well as any. This article begs a certain degree of Sens meme knowledge while at the same time providing a synopsis for those who skipped every class and still showed up to the final exam. So many great bits make a comeback in this singular article. Some writers know how to capture the hater vibe better than others. I can’t explain it any other way. You can’t keep a straight face when you read: “If you’re going to get offended by jokes about how Mitch Marner’s daddy doesn’t love him, then maybe Sens fandom isn’t for you.”
This one doesn’t have quite the same satirical tone but it still captures a degree of nostalgia and Sens knowledge that very few possess and that fewer can explain. You simply had to be there. And if you weren’t then Beata has you covered. Again, this article feels more sentimental than satirical but if you put the mental effort in then the content will reward your sense of humour. I love a lot of the details in this piece but my favourite quote will always be: “Did Spezza single-handedly improve the literacy rate in Ottawa elementary schools? You have to ask the question.”
So anyway, go back and re-read all of those articles and you’ll have a better day because of it. I have the privilege of working with a team of really remarkable writers and also the challenge of living up to the bar that they set. It keeps me honest and inspires me every week to write to the best of my ability. Going back to this week’s Wednesday longform that kickstarted this whole stream of consciousness for me, if in some dystopian future the Charge do leave the city of Ottawa, I will probably miss Beata’s coverage just as much as the team itself. It’s a lot to think about.