There was less to like about the Pittsburgh Penguins game than the rich, smarmy fiancée in every Hallmark Christmas movie. There was less to like in the Penguins game than a Dane Cook comedy special.

There was less to like in the Penguins game than a burnt turkey that filled the house with a pungent smell (true story, many years ago).

In short, the Penguins looked like a team that had not played a game in nearly a week, facing a Minnesota Wild team on a hot streak. The love the Penguins had been seeking arrived in the form of the final horn. Almost predictably, Minnesota embarrassed the Penguins 5-0 at PPG Paints Arena Friday.

With apologies, the game wasn’t that bad. It was worse. However, coach Dan Muse would hear none of the layoff talk.

“Yeah, I’m not looking at that. We had practices. Obviously, we weren’t ready, and I’m not looking at that as an excuse at all for a second.”

Starting goalie Arturs Silovs lasted little more than 21 minutes before coach Dan Muse took pity upon his rookie goalie and gave him the gate when it was 4-0 just 69 seconds into the second period. Sergei Murashov played the rest of the way.

It wasn’t an indictment of Silovs as much as a mercy pulling.

“No, even the goals against, the chances against we let up, shouldn’t have happened,” said Muse. “Sometimes you’re also looking to make a change because things aren’t going as well and you need something that maybe–you’re hoping will give a little bit of a spark.”

The Penguins connected on fewer passes than a Pitt quarterback.

Minnesota’s Matt Bouldy scored a pair of goals without being covered in front of the net. Minnesota also scored on a couple of nice deflections.

“You’ve got to get sticks in front,” lamented Muse.

Minnesota could have scored plenty more if they truly wanted, but the dogs had been fed. Eventually, Minnesota coasted, and the Penguins almost tied them in shots, but Minnesota outshot them 20-19.

The Penguins were notably disgusted or dejected after the game. Penguins defenseman Erik Karlsson looked at the players slowly walking out of the locker room with their heads down, while the media filed in to talk to someone.

Anyone.

‘I’ll take this one,” Karlsson said.

Actually, Karlsson was one of the few Penguins who weren’t too bad on Friday. However, there were a few lineup problems, but largely, it was extraordinarily bad defensive zone coverage.

The signs pointing the way past the red line must have been in Swedish.

Penguins Analysis

Penguins defenseman Ryan Shea was exceedingly hard on himself. After all, even though the scoresheet showed him on the ice for only four goals, it was actually all five (The sheet incorrectly lists Wotherspoon and Karlsson on the ice for the first goal).

“We have we have our legs, it was just–I don’t know what it was–it was just not really clicking with our execution, and we got we got burned for it,” said Ryan Shea. “Me and (Letang) we definitely got a burn from it, and it’s it’s pretty frustrating coming off a good last game in Sweden. For us to win, I think I’ve got to be better for that. It’s pretty frustrating and I’m just lucky I didn’t break every stick that I have after a game like that.”

In fairness to Shea, there wasn’t a goal that was his fault, even as he took the blame, including the first goal. In a stand-up move, he stayed behind to help PHN break down the debated goal that put Minnesota on the board in the opening minutes.

Shea and Letang were both in the corner, but not everything is what it seems. The puck hopped in the air, preventing Shea from reversing it around the boards, and the team regrouping.

Once the puck jumped, it was a scramble. Letang came to cover the second Wild player, but no forward covered the net. Not even Sidney Crosby. Bryan Rust did, but then was caught in between the slot shooter (Kirill Kaprizov) and the net-front player (Matt Bouldy). As a result, Rust didn’t actually cover anyone, and Crosby was late to the party, too.

For family reading, we’ll just call it a mess.

There were several more ghastly sequences with players not in their spots, going the wrong way, missing outlets, or generally wandering. Shea was victimized again on the fifth goal when he did get to reverse the puck in the defensive zone–because no one came back to help–but there was no one on the backside, either. Letang was late to cover, and the forwards chose Fika (a Swedish coffee break with light pastries).

Minnesota put the puck in the net before there was a third Penguin in the defensive zone.

Bewildering.

However, the defensive zone lapses were aided by absolutely terrible puck play, unfortunately, several on the top line.

One of the things that went wrong, thus sparking the defensive zone breakdowns, was Connor Dewar quickly getting rid of the puck. Recount the number of times in the last decade you’ve heard the phrase, “we didn’t hang on to pucks.”

Dewar didn’t, and two of the first three goals were direct counterattacks after he yielded possession by hurriedly playing the puck to bad space or to the Wild.

Penguins Report Card

Team: F

We knew it would be a stinker. Five days off, transcontinental flights, and a hot opponent. It had every ingredient for a rotten one. Unfortunately, the Penguins followed the recipe too well.

There’s no reason to belabor the game by singling out players.

Shea wasn’t nearly as bad as the scoresheet said.

Karlsson, Malkin, and Ben Kindel seemed to have legs but were on islands.

Sam Poulin did some nice things. He won some pucks, he got a little stronger in the third period, and let loose a hard one-timer. I thought he had his first goal. He thought he might, too, for the briefest moment.

Poulin had one shot on goal and three missed shots. That’s actually quite an upgrade, especially factoring in his defensive play and wall work.

“Yeah, I felt good, honestly,” Poulin told PHN. “But that’s the game of hockey, and we have to get back at it tomorrow.”

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