OTTAWA — Near the end of a regular season filled with ups and downs on and off the ice, Ottawa Senators netminder Linus Ullmark admits that his mental health is still not 100 percent. And while grateful for the support system around him, in his teammates and coaches, there is still work to be done on himself.
That work even made him unavailable against the Tampa Bay Lightning on March 28, in the throes of his team’s playoff chase.
“I am broken, and I’m still not fully, completely healed,” Ullmark said. “If we say (Thomas Chabot) has his injury, no one is going to question that. But just because I’ve been playing and all that, and all of a sudden I’m not available. People just started attacking me (saying), ‘Oh, he needs to play.’ He needs to be available. This is what we pay him for.
“I am very much trying my very hardest every single day to be there. And I was not having the best of days leading up to the Tampa game.”
The Senators’ goaltender spoke on Friday with select journalists from the Ottawa chapter of the Professional Hockey Writers’ Association. The 32-year-old is the Senators’ representative for the Bill Masterton Trophy, given to the player who best exemplifies “perseverance, sportsmanship and dedication” to the sport.
Ullmark was honoured and “thankful” to be nominated, thanking his teammates, family and friends for their support. But he admitted that the nomination was still “bittersweet.”
“It’s both good and bad in a way,” Ullmark said. “You don’t really want it because that means you’ve gone through a lot of stuff, and it means that you’re going through hardships that maybe people don’t want you to go through.”
On the second day of training camp last fall, Ullmark told the media he felt he had a “pretty terrible” showing. Ullmark was then pulled in his first preseason appearance after allowing three goals on eight shots against Toronto, and his goals saved above expected ranked among the league’s worst through the first half of the regular season. Then came Dec. 27, when he allowed four goals on 16 shots in Toronto before being pulled midway through the second period.
That led to Ullmark taking a personal leave in late December for mental health reasons. Speculation about his absence spread online, prompting the Senators to issue a statement denouncing the “trolls and sick people” for sharing “completely fabricated and false stories” about the goaltender. Ullmark’s teammates also vehemently denied those rumours.
Ullmark spoke publicly about his struggles during a TSN interview back in January, revealing he suffered anxiety attacks before and during that late-December start against the Maple Leafs before consulting a health professional from the NHL/NHLPA Player Assistance program.
“I needed more help at that point, and it was scary at the moment as well, because I didn’t know what was wrong. I didn’t know how to fix it,” Ullmark said.
“It’s not something that I just have to deal with right now. I know that this is a very long process, and the help and support that I’ve gotten has been immense.”
Ullmark eventually returned to the Senators in mid-January and joined the team on a three-game road trip later that month through Detroit, Columbus and Nashville. But he wasn’t ready to play. Before his first game, Ullmark needed to cross off items on his personal checklist.
His top priority was regaining his desire to play hockey again.
“There was no eagerness, there was no love, there was no joy of even thinking about playing hockey,” Ullmark said. “It was getting that joy in my everyday life back, being able to have fun with my kids and generally have fun with them, and not fake it ’til you make it.”
But once Ullmark returned to the team, his teammates welcomed him back with open arms. The Senators also allowed his former youth goaltending coach, Maciej Szwoch, to hang around the team and provide guidance — in addition team goalie coach Justin Peters offering regular instruction.
When Ullmark played his first game back, on Jan. 31 against the New Jersey Devils, fans cheered and held signs of tribute for their goaltender. Ullmark has also received words of support from Tampa Bay Lightning defenseman Victor Hedman and Winnipeg Jets goaltender Connor Hellebuyck.
“We trust him, believe in him, but also there’s no pressure,” Senators forward Tim Stützle said in January. “We support him. We know what he’s been going through, and we just want to be there for him.
“I was just really happy to see him back. That was my first reaction. I didn’t even think about what was spread out in the media, to be honest, because I couldn’t care less.”
Since Ullmark’s return, the Swedish netminder is 12-4-3 in his last 19 appearances with the Senators, while helping the team in their efforts to make the playoffs for the second consecutive season. But despite recent performances, Ullmark is still balancing being ready mentally and physically for games. In recent days, the Senators have allowed Ullmark to skip morning skates for maintenance purposes.
“It’s super hard. Every day is taxing. You’re running on low fumes sometimes,” Ullmark said. “And you need to take more care of yourself from different perspectives. There’s certain moments in time where my battery is so low that I don’t want to be with anyone. And when those times happen in your home, and you have two kiddos, you have to be able to give them everything that you can.”
But the Senators are still leaning heavily on Ullmark with a handful of games to go in their playoff chase, with success. On Tuesday, Ullmark made 28 saves in a 6-2 victory over the Lightning to help keep the Senators in the second wild-card playoff spot in the Eastern Conference. The victories will help, but Ullmark will continue his process in aiding himself.
“I’m still very much fighting the demons every single day, and this time around,” Ullmark said. “The difference is that I have more tools and more knowledge about this whole situation and about myself, so I’m able to handle it better than I was beforehand.”