The Haters Guide to the 2024 Stanley Cup

The Haters Guide to the 2024 Stanley Cup

I feel like a child on Christmas running down the stairs to see the Stanley Cup finals are about to get underway brings me joy the NHL playoffs are always a gaunlet a bit more predictable this time around but it’s not for lack of try 14 teams have come up short in this Quest may we mourn their failed runs sounds you’re hearing right now are at least 30 other NHL fan bases celebrating Vegas’s demise yes the alleged cheatingest Hoy team in the west is out of the playoffs and there’s little for them to be ashamed of they went toe-to-toe with a literal Stanley Cup favorite in a series that was Conference Finals caliber I’m dead serious when I say this series came down to literal engines and I still feel like the knights will be kicking themselves over the summer and you over two games to un series lead like they did you have to finish off your opponent it was a hit they couldn’t circumvent Peter dor gets his revenge against the team that cut off his head know why the regular season matters because if you struggle for long stretches you get run over by a wagon that wagon will also probably run over Chandler Stevenson Maro this offseason blood lust for Glory never [Applause] ends so which goalie are we pulling when a b we just pull the entire damn team wen’t you guys supposed to be good what the [ __ ] was that supposed to be it’s one thing for part of a team to fall apart at a given moment but the entire operation I can’t even blame five a buck for most of this when team defense can’t clear the front of the [ __ ] net he has no chance the offense good for spurts than blue screens at the worst moment Colorado dominated baring game one’s aberration push back what push back there’s nothing here besides being pushed off a cliff Rick bonus didn’t need help he pushed himself into the comforting abyss of retirement worst case scenario has occurred why do I get the strange feeling that this starts a domino effect of the team moving the Jets desperately needed a Deep Run and they failed on all counts yes their owner’s the richest in Canada but with their National economy and lack of corporate funding I cringe at the thought there’s a problem with Honda Accords they can get you from destination to destination but you don’t want to use them in a street race that’s what happened against Vancouver the series was right for the taking thater Demco was out with injury for nearly all of it game four at home with the chance to tie the series with a multi-goal lead it was blown fluttered and shanked away like a Colton Sis’s backhand hitting the goalpost Rock bester turned on the nitrous side and steals the win away in the night the series ended right there Nashville’s sturdy but they’re unable to overcome such self-inflicted adversity agonizingly kept alive until a late goal by Pew sudor in game six what you’re seeing is probably the last game us Soros plays in Nashville golden chances dink like an empty net opportunity admit the horrible truth Brads Archer shilov is too good right now so yeah Kings I’m not surprised by this at all it was spotty as hell all season assets of on the team were Mercurial and were right to be picked apart by reality in the playoffs that reality just happens to be the team that’s defeated them in three of the last four postseasons that Bal hoo cheek code known as the 131 don’t really work when the Oilers just speed through the wall it’s kind of hard to win anything when their power play is so atrocious it can’t produce anything besides wet farts Edmonton’s power play they revealed this team to be on a hamster wheel of futility so how the hell do they get off it Miracle Elixir for an more 131 track in Magic PR blah plays up to his talent level it’s been proven over and over again that the Kings have become a [ __ ] te flash potential but never fully realize it they’re an entire franchise of Pier luk DUIs welcome to Minnesota Wild territory as a penguins fan may I welcome you to the postup window you’ll believe you’ll still have a chance to win it all may even make the playoffs some more than one occasion but you won’t be a true threat to move on Florida more than prove that in space finally revenge for the Battle of Florida on their aend alas the power play Merchants could not truly practice their craft as bski stole their goods on a backward sale unable to adapt to life on the five on five a true shame they even got serach back but it wasn’t anywhere near enough and it may not be enough to keep Steven Stamkos around he’s been pissed about his lack of extension and his corner office on the power play may have to be relocated even if he leaves he’ll be back not for a swansong his jersey will hang in the Rapter someday that may be all the lightning have left at this point or just get Ryan MCD back for some [Music] reason they locked themselves into a series with the bu ru [Music] [Music] oh another unsurprising outcome the Islanders Were Somehow still alive and the Hurricanes took pleasure in killing them off G Carolina was the far superior team in all aspects and merely played with them for a bit before consuming them whole you know make them feel good for a second or two with the three-goal lead then turn turn on the jits and burn them like Colorado did win a big in about 20 minutes did Lane Lambert really leave this series proved that his Spirit still lives on in this group a stale aging bloated and lethargic one that has serious questions to ask themselves over the summer I beg L Lamar to take some [ __ ] caffeine during the offseason consistently being asleep at the wheel hasn’t done any major damage but it’s left them in cruise control there’s no true spark until that happens there’ll be easy pickings for the likes of the ks the Carion birds will be feasting congratulations yeah you already know the line let’s be real the Caps were either hilariously winning in seven or getting swapped aw you have the power of friendship Washington the Rangers have a machine gun rainbows and sunshine can’t stop 50 caliber bullets Charlie lingren turned into a pumpkin in Midnight of game one and Obie he just went back to his early season slump no points for a guy that carried the team doesn’t seem like a positive side Spencer carbury can rip him IM media scrums all he wants but the Caps just aren’t good enough feel-good stories always end and there usually isn’t a happy ending involved unless you count Tom Wilson going after Adam Fox after scoring a goal are we sure D Hunter retired the Avalanche were a holiday i dub them di delos muos [ __ ] dead limp and lifeless against the team that doesn’t conveniently collapse on themselves in every fashion now being mauled by a Dallas machine is one thing but this series loss was far more devastating than meets the eye ignore the extreme long shot of the captain coming back that was always is a fa another one to tell is valin’s redemption Arc while he was renewed by the player assistance program scoring goals left and right a key to the future he failed the one test he needed to pass minimum 6 month suspension his days with the Avalanche and possibly the NHL itself are being ground into a fine Colombian powder without one of their best fors the stars did the same to them the apps couldn’t afford any more losses the series was just insult to injury only more so that Matt duain was the one that lunge the final dagger good grief it only felt like a matter of time before the cold end of death slapped them across the face taking Edmonton and their terrible go ending to the brink of Despair was hilarious but fate intervened they’re an admirable team but had been vastly overachieving and had to face adversity after adversity there was the issue of no Thatcher Demco since game one of the Nashville series Archer Sheila did the best damn 2010 Yara hak impression in recent memory but this next blow was one that could not be endured Brock B blood clotting issues it forced them out of game seven against the Oilers and potentially Beyond without their best score there were just no match fighting to the very end but unable to overcome their adversary by the final buzzer this was easily the best series in the playoffs one that will be talked about for years sadly a team had to lose despite their lack of shots on net the Canucks deserve no scoring for their efforts one of the greatest bounceback seasons in recent memory well done LX I’m proud of you yes I know the meme of me but I can’t really laugh at the Bruins that hard when they simply lost to the better team they accomplished maintaining the oldest mean hockey and the job was done the lack of Center depth and four-line balance were no match for Florida Panthers dominated those areas in space even then I can’t help but feel like the Bruins screwed themselves in some regards that double Miner by lorai in game three Justified or not a death sentence with backtack power play goal then came game four in that blown Le apparently pushing pingg an opponent into the goalie is completely legal oh no roll back the curtain and the only thing holding this together was Jeremy swayan he’s going to be an RFA this offseason that might be offer sheated to Helen Back what this translates to is the probable end of the two-ended monster in net try to trade all Mark at the deadline you know this calls for a time-honored Boston tradition throwing trash on the ice to protest ref Puck I don’t get Carolina on paper they should steamroll everyone in their path dominating every statistical and analytical metric developed did they keep peeing down their leg in the end after this flop there’s only confirmation that the Hurricanes of the modern San Jose Sharks you thought the panther series was bad try losing by a goal in the first three games and not just one overtime defeat but one in double OT on top of that but somehow that might not be the most painful thing try rattling off two straight wins and holding a 3 to1 lead in game six a team was on the Rope that be Carolina Toronto warns you about Freddy in the clutch he lay a stinker someone get a shovel to [ __ ] in the crease where a goal is supposed to be Chris grer lives rree in their dreams that offseason’s going to be even worse the departing Souls will be fast and it will probably include Martin NIS fortunately brendam Moore got extended in the face of many rumors but can you stop blowing it ever did Peter dor make a Packa with an Unholy demon to make it to the NHL as a coach I don’t understand how this [ __ ] keeps happening with his teams regardless of how loaded and fully stocked the only thing that makes any logical sense in my mind is that they [ __ ] the B again Dallas had Edmonton on the ropes a two games to one series lead leading two to nothing on the road in game four with Oilers fans dead silent the chance to kill them was right there but Matias Yanmar grabbed that dagger and stabbed their neck with it that moment it was almost as if the stars just vanished it couldn’t solve Edmonton’s defense or trapping strategy and with that power play destroying everything good [ __ ] luck game six felt like pure Dallas being goaled by Edmonton Edmonton like the arena DJ trying to troll the Oilers they were the ones who ended up being trolled usually by McDavid unleashing the high-end Talent uttinger was not at Peak form him and it cost them the team itself wasn’t either maybe Vegas and Colorado took too much out of them but that probably explains nothing and then I realize this may be the last game Joe Peli plays and I get sad that guy deserved a cup this is [ __ ] the bitter pill of defeat something the Rangers have had to deal with a lot for the past 30 years no matter Valiant efforts or daring Feats it still stings when you lose to a significantly better team Florida was probably the worst opponent New York could have gone up against when you take their forward depth their physicality and pretty much everything you have amped to 11 they were lucky to even steal two of those games chesty was the only reason why this wasn’t a sweep the only other things able to stand out were lafranier barlay good shooting an ungodly percentage in Jacob trouba’s elbow the rags make it surprise returns in philipo and Blake wheeler but like Matthew Rey in the series the Boost was short it was a little later than I expected yet the president’s trophy curse lives on even as this run is nothing to be ashamed of this offseason’s going to be crucial the eigor question comes into play hope you fa after next season and extending him will be Paramount you’ll probably find him hiding under the net like New York City the ice has been infested with rats this has been a relatively predictable playoff so far nothing entirely out of the ordinary but there is still quality Series in games throughout looking right at the Vancouver Edmonton series speaking of the Oilers I think they need to be discussed at length don’t they I want you to think back to November do you remember how awful Edmonton looked they were chaos incarnate and I don’t think even that term gives it justice the issues that the Oilers have been fighting for years are depth defense and gending what was killing them the bottom six was a black hole team defense somehow even worse than that and gending you can find anyone that could make us safe they take him Jack Campbell withered into nothing and the $25 million man was such a flop here that he was exiled to the miners and buried alive this in years of playoff disappointment required a massive shakeup Jay Woodcraft was set a blaze in an attempt to save the season sometimes there’s a spark that occurs with such a move a new voice is sometimes what a team needs and the answer to Edmonton’s wo was hiring Conor mcdavid’s Old Coach and Junior Chris noblock did have a quality reputation long before this and under his stewardship the Oilers have turned things around they revived into the best record in hockey after the move good but to make the cup there were still questions that needed to be asked could they beat the Kings LA had been a Mercurial Team all year that wasn’t surprising could they beat up start Vancouver they had been overachieving and were taken to the Brank but they survived but could they beat Dallas this should have been roadkill Edmonton only sang lab bambba and the Stars turned to stone under the guidance of two men anything and everything is possible Conor McDavid and Leon dry cyle they need no Deep dive or in-depth profile they play on the ice speaks for itself generational talents future Hall of Famers and the new wave of oil or greatness hearkening back to the days of grety and Messier two that allow the power play to reach Heights of extreme Envy but these two men need a wingman someone to vacuum up the remnants in front of the net and finish Prime chances that man is the hardworking Zach Hyman I thought it was an overpayment when they brought him in he was a decent Winger but not a 50g goal scorer or anything like that turns out he hit that total this year the Jinx in action behind him is an unsung top six piece that doesn’t get as much attention but is still quality Ryan neon Hopkins will add strong scoring presence to any lineup Ryan McLoud is another asset but he’s been cold in these playoffs Warren Fogle is a heart and soul player that also makes an impact on the score sheet Evander King no I’m not bitter about how he acted as a shark at all Adam Henrik went from languishing on the Ducks to getting another chance at cup Glory Connor Brown Matias Yan Mark Derek briyan Sam Carrick and Dylan Holloway support this lineup but we should know why they made it here they’ve joined the Cory Perry Invitational he’s only made it here for out of the past five seasons he’s lost every time but this is a chance for Revenge defense also gets a chance at Revenge with EV buard they have the playmaking weapon needed on the back end for years a true offensive weapon someone like Matias EOL added it last year’s deadline makes the defense more reputable and sturdier Darnell nurse is here he’s been a detriment the past few months but he still has talent in pedigree Cody CCE could be this year’s Jack Johnson a Stanley Cup champion bre kulak and Vince day AR n show up the third pairing setting the stage for Stuart Skinner flashes of Brilliance in net especially in game six against Dallas but can be very inconsistent even in these playoffs it got to the point where journeyman Calvin picker was thrust into duty at points and he did Yan’s work the Oilers dancing through the raindrops and the potential reward is great this is the first time they’ve made it here since 2006 the less said about that final the better in their quest to achieve Glory Canada gets another shot at securing their first cup in over 30 years we talk about national pride but I personally don’t know if anyone outside of Edmonton would be happy about it Calgary itself would burn Vancouver and Toronto might too I guess the Northern Territories might celebrate regardless of provincial rivalries Connor and Leon will have their first true chance at immortality high-end Talent has gotten them this far can it get them past their opponent last year was a mixed wave of emotions for the Panthers an all in gamble looking dire slept on by a majority of the league in April then Shock the World by proving to everyone that your hype was for real stunning foes left and right everything clicking on all cylinders until it wasn’t we simply ran out of gas in the final a great run stopped by some bad hands at the blackjack table it was Vegas that became the Envy of hockey and all Florida could do was learn from it they got a taste of the glories of Eternity but they just couldn’t reach it the Panthers must refortify and stay hungry their challenges would be greater elements of surprise would no longer be at their disposal Rivals and suitors alike would be eager to cut them down in their pride Tampa had always had their number not this time Boston was a team eager to undo their horrible meme team status wish unfulfilled Rangers are a Powerhouse of their home featuring the best go tending in the conference wrong Florida has reigned Supreme once again the past 5 years hockey runs through this state in the East the world will bow at their feet and the panther will pounce stars have last year back and healthy for a long bout Sam Reinhardt with a career year and offensive power Matthew could choke as much of a monster as he was last playoff Sasha barov continuing to be one of the most underrated players in hockey Carter Veri bringing it best in the clutch Sam Bennett is a two-way pest in physical Force Anton lundell and N lerena are back as well but a few new faces are here for reinforcement first Evan Rodriguez from Colorado a top six forward who’s come into his own over the past few seasons next an old star of the lean Vladimir tereno he’s currently a Hired Gun but is still a deadly Catalyst for the offensive attack then there’s kylo boso the former captain of the Sabers successfully reforging himself as a bottom six role player Ryan Lumberg Kevin stenland Nick cousins and Steven Loren also flesh out their forward C defense still offers Elite talents the rise of brandan Montour eager to win in a contract year one of the best waiver claims in recent memory and Gustaf forsling freshly extended Arin vad Alive and Kicking as a sturdy piece on the back end Demetri kulikov is also back with the team that drafted it also welcome Oliver Ekman lar to the fold he isn’t what he was in Phoenix but he’s still an NHL caliber Defender and at a much more palatable cap hit Niko mikolas here from the Rangers also is a defensive presence between the pipes it’s none other than officer Bob on the case remember when Sergey was seen as an anchor contract good times now he’s just robbing the opposition blind this preview isn’t as long as the Edmonton W since they’ve been here before we know what this team is about last year needs to be Avenged a sunrise in Sunrise the age of Florida being a downtrodden franchise that’s constantly rumored for relocation has been put on hold you know what will put an end to that a cup of sterling silver that weighs about 35 lb the Prince of Wales trophy is nice but it doesn’t have finality the one smek will inherit the earth this will be Florida’s greatest chance a date with Destiny for both them and Edmonton boasting hardware for the first time in franchise history or securing a legacy for Connor and leyon either way Calgary will melt into a puddle of lava God save those poor people what do you believe in more the ability of high-ended talent or the prowess of a well-balanced roster that’s the question I know what Florida brings but to me the X factors are on Edmonton can they get goal tending is Darnell nurse going to show up can their depth support the franchise Elite in these playoffs they prove that their power play is deadly and their penalty kill can shut down anyone but what about five on five which steuart Skinner is going to show up I can’t answer those questions and that’s why I’m thinking Florida takes this in six that pans out Canada is going to see another Cup winner on their soil at least [Applause] go go [Applause]

Playoff hockey always gives me that giddy feeling: When everything amps up to a level that tests both the body and spirit in ways never thought possible. A gauntlet of wills and trials alike. In the end, only one team stands alone. The reward of immortality is one that drives them to their physical limit. We have reached the apex: Two teams fighting for the ultimate honor. All or nothing. How it should always be.

This video is dedicated to that struggle, and to the fourteen teams that came up short in this quest. God bless hockey.