IT’S TIME TO GO BALD: a manifesto

Michael. Kobe. Shaq. ‘88 Kareem.

What to each of these men have in common?

BALDNESS.

Baldness that led each of them to glory and fistfuls of rings.

To go bald is to release yourself from the tethers of earthly pleasures and instead take the arduous and bloody road to victory. A bald man has nothing and everything to prove. He runs a lonely path, aerodynamic, shining, and smooth.

Vanity is one of the deadliest of the seven deadly sins, as it often opens a gateway to sloth, pride, gluttony, envy and avarice.

Victor Wembanyama, after spending a summer amongst the wise and follicularly chaste monks of Shaolin, recently joined the sacred cloth of chrome domes. There is no doubt he will win a ring within the next few years and it won’t be because he’s 7’6 and surrounded by lottery draft talent; **IT WILL BE BECAUSE HE’S BALD.**

Now take a look at the 2025-2026 Grizzlies of Memphis.

You will find an ill-disciplined squad of carefully curated hairstyles holding each of them back from eternal greatness. *Not a single truly bald player in sight*. There’s so much hair on this team, you’d think you were looking at the writhing maw of hippies and ragamuffins at the 1969 Democratic Convention Riots instead of a professional basketball team.

So I make this proposal to the organization as a whole: if you want to leave behind the complacency of play-in seasons and first-round exits, at least one player must rise up like a phoenix from the ash and leave behind the mortal coil of his luscious locks.

If we wish for this team to be a serious threat that other organizations shiver at the mere mention of our name, we need a true leader to step up and go bald to unlock both his and the team’s true potential for greatness.

I guarantee that once this happens, you’ll see a banner in the rafters of Fed-Ex forum reflecting off the shining chrome dome of a beautiful bald head.

Thank you.